Saturday, March 22, 2014

Today was a very different day…..hard for me and even harder for me now.  My oldest son, Shawn, was divorced years ago…..can't remember the exact number of years, isn't that awful?  But at least 4…..maybe more.  Was thinking today that i have never seen my boys more broken than when their wives decided they didn't want to be married anymore.  I was remembering today how Shawn reacted… hopeful he was that things would not end in the finality that they did.  I remember when he was doing everything he could to make things work.  I remember when he finally realized it was over.  I remember his anger……the wall he began building.  For at least two years i was not allowed to even mention her name…..he was SO broken, SO hurt……he wouldn't even talk to her.  When they had to make plans for Avery, he would send test messages.  It was awful.  My little Avery Grace……she changed through all of this.  Not the same happy, go-lucky little girl she used to be.  A few years into it tho, things changed……Shawn - gosh, i don't know.  Did he finally make peace?  I am not sure what changed, but i am so glad things did.  Which brings me to today.  Avery had a gymnastics competition today…..we have never been allowed to go because Deb felt uncomfortable with us there….as much as i wanted to see my baby compete, i abided by the rules……i would never want something to upset her and i just felt maybe things would be so strange….would make Avery feel unsettled.  But today Deb was okay with us coming.  As we drove to ASI, i just was almost so sick i could have thrown up.  SO hard for me today……Deb was my best friend.  For all the years of their marriage, we shared it.  Each day…..trips…..hobbies…Shawn….Avery…..daily struggles…..daily joys….honesty…..heartaches….parents…..fears….laughter….....i loved her with all of my heart.  And when they divorced… much as i hated her for what she did…..i lost not only a daughter-in-law, but a best friend.  Plus the fact that she totally crushed my son.  What do you do with those feelings?  Over time, i had to give those hatreds, those feelings of total  abuse towards Shawn…..the feelings of just pure HURT and HATRED - i had to give that all to our Lord……He told me….Here Cindy……here's the stone - and if you are free of sin, you go ahead and throw it.  Go ahead and hate.  HE had to help me over my hatred.  It seems now Shawn is okay… he in a loving relationship?  No……Do i think he will ever trust again?  I doubt it.  Do i think he's happy?  I am not sure, but he sure puts on a good show.  Will he ever love again?  Can he?  Will he?  Because of what she did to him? Today, as we met Deb - i was blown away by their relationship……i saw a precious friendship…..laughing…..sharing jokes…..sharing inside humor that they always seem to find in every day situations……I think i might have seen a love…..not romantic love….but a love as if best friends… i sat next to Deb and talked to her…..oh my gosh, it made me soooo very sad at what could have been.  I could see a sweet couple loving each other….loving their daughter….sharing life.  GOSH i miss the friendship too.  It was just the hardest feelings to deal with.  Shawn seems to have made peace……how can i?  She hurt my babies……she messed up what "could have been" - How do i deal with that Lord?  What do i do with these feelings?  I don't understand why things couldn't have been different.  It hurts…..deep inside it hurts.  My heart breaks for what could have been.