family

I love my family.....what a blessing - what a gift from the Lord. Crazy, mixed up family that brings smiles to my heart and my life. I thank God for each one of you. What an awesome gift of life!

Home

As often it happens, a song i heard on my ipod while walking today gave me reason to go back....to stop....to remember....to explore feelings and emotions. I love music - music can take you back in in an instant and you can just feel moments and emotions from years before. This time, the song is called "Home". Late 2004 and early 2005 proved to be a very hard time in my life. My daddy was so sick - come to find out later he had cancer - but at the time we didn't know what was causing him so much pain and sickness. My precious momma had become victim of one of the most horrible diseases imaginable - Alzheimer's. She was 95 at the time, and we really didn't see the horrible symptoms of the disease until her later years - but momma, during that last year, at times would become violent and she would threaten to hurt my daddy or at times herself. Late 2004 she was still at home with my daddy, who refused to let us get someone in the home to help. As daddy's illness worsened, momma became more and more confused and it got to the point that daddy had to call often because he couldn't calm her down. I didn't go anywhere without my cell phone in hand because his calls were getting more and more frequent - sometimes deep into the night. We would have to rush over and i would sit with momma and michael would sit with daddy. For reasons i will never understand, momma wouldn't recognize daddy....he was a stranger to her and she hated the stranger in her home. For the longest time, we would play a game with momma to calm her. i would sit with momma while daddy went back to their bedroom - he would change his clothes from top to bottom....sneak out the front door and then, as momma and i would sit in the den, daddy would come in the back door - the door she always equated with daddy's arrival, and she would get this relieved look on her face and then would come "Ray Beard, don't you ever leave me again!" She would recognize the precious man coming in the back door and the night would be okay after that.....but as time went on, it would take longer talks to calm her and there were times when the only option was to take her home with me and leave daddy there alone to rest. The back door game wouldn't fly. It never failed though, the minute we drove away, momma would fret and say "we can't leave Ray there - take me home". The same man she wanted to get away from became the one she couldn't leave. In September of 04, daddy's health got to the point we had no option but to get momma into an Alzheimer's unit in a retirement home only a mile or two away from their home. It was the most horrible thing i could have to do - i was still trying to hold down a job and with momma sometimes becoming violent, there just wasn't another option i could see. The morning we took her, we had precious friends waiting to rush in and hold on to my daddy. His heart was breaking. My heart was breaking too. As i write this, i am amazed once again that i was able to make it through this. My parents were the loves of my life....our lives were coming unraveled and there was not a thing i could do to stop it. As i write, i again realize this is one of those times God carried me safely in His mighty arms.....because there's no way on earth i could have walked this part of the journey. Life was on auto-pilot. Work - go by and get daddy dinner - visit with daddy - then to see momma - then home - just to wake up and do it all over again. I do not know how i emotionally made it - having to go and see my momma....sitting there in a room with others that didn't know where they were or sometimes who they were....each and everyone of them wanting to go HOME.....how did my heart not break to the point of no return? My only answer is Christ. And to see my daddy....there in that house, all alone - spirit broken (which by the way, i had never seen before in my life - my daddy....my hero - the strong one - so weak and frail) a pile of uncertainty and heartache......i still don't understand why.....why these two? Thanksgiving came - i still have a family that depends on me to pull us together for the holidays.....I don't even remember planning our Thanksgiving - just remember going by the day before to see mom and she was not well - not well at all. Had to call an ambulance and she was admitted in the hospital. HOrrible infection - mean ER Doctor - "you realize your momma is 94 and she just might not make it" - but she's a spit fire.....and she pulled through it all. She really relished being in the hospital because she had daddy there by her side, and me....and for some reason the pain meds helped her remember - it was like old times. She was like the momma we knew years before. But once the pain medication was taken away, memory faded and the anger at being back at the retirement home was even worse. Back to auto-pilot. Mom's 95th birthday came in December. We didn't even think about taking her out for her birthday because taking her back was way too painful. We had a birthday party for her there. WE decorated the little library and family came and we had such a good time. Daddy so frail - but he was there. Momma beamed with her family around her. That was December. In late January mom had another infection - another ambulance - another admit to the hospital. This time she was so much worse. She was mentally okay for the first 4 days - but on a Wednesday, things drastically changed. She started talking about the past - she uttered these words and i KNEW...."i want a pretty dress - with lots of flowers" i knew she was talking about going home. And that was the day she made up her mind - she was going HOME. And for the next two weeks, we waited. I set up camp in her room with her. My niece came too and we had make shift beds....each taking turns sleeping in the "good bed". Michael tended to daddy.....i just had to be with momma. Then i get a call - DADDY is in the ER downstairs....heart problems. They admit my daddy and he's on the 4th floor....momma on the 8th. Auto-pilot for sure. Christ leads and carries - no other explanation for sanity at this point. Calls to my precious Aunt and Cousin in Arkansas....what do i do - how do i do it - asking for help, for prayer, for answers. Scared out of my mind....not wanting the moment to come when my precious momma takes her last breath but knowing it's going to happen - scared to leave because i want to be there. Every other day I would leave - for just an hour or so - i would go home to shower, to breath in the air outside - to be a part of the world outside my bubble. Michael would come and stay if Deana, my niece wasn't there. Someone was always with momma.....never once was she alone. As i drove home on those days i ventured out, a song would almost ALWAYS come on the radio.....i would turn it up so loud and roll down my windows and sing with all my heart - these words:
"Home"

Another summer day
Has come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home

May be surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
“I’m fine baby, how are you?”
Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

Another aeroplane
Another sunny place
I’m lucky, I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I’ve got to go home

Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
'Cause this was not your dream
But you always believed in me

Another winter day has come
And gone away
In even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I’m surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
Oh, let me go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

Let me go home
I’ve had my run
Baby, I’m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all be all right
I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home

I would sometimes change the words to "Lord, welcome her home" - it became my song for my momma.....i knew in my heart she wanted nothing more than to step into glory....to see Christ - to hold her momma and her daddy and her beloved brother that passed before her....to hold my cousin, Hoyt, who passed away WAY too early in his life......There are things that run through my mind right now and i can't go there.....things momma said to me while she was in that hospital those last 2 weeks....things that hurt me so bad....even tho this blogging helps me heal, i still can't go there. I know though, that my momma left this world knowing that she was loved beyond measure by her daughter....never a doubt that my love for her was bigger than both of us. Early on Sunday morning, February 20th, 7:35 i woke up and as usual, the first thing i did was look next to me and see momma's chest rise and fall - to be sure she was still there with us - i bent down and whispered to her that i was going to run get coffee and i would be right back. Deana was still sleeping soundly on the other side of her.....so i slipped outside - i was gone all of about 2 minutes and as i came back in, again looking to see the rise and fall of momma's chest and it wasn't there. I yelled for Deana....i yelled for the nurse....i grabbed her hand and realized she was gone. I believe i saw her last breath.....her death was so peaceful. Not one change in her facial expression. She slipped into glory so peacefully and for that I am so thankful. Deana and I held one another....we rejoiced in the fact that my precious momma was in heaven with our Lord. She didn't have to wonder who she was, where she was - she had the clarity of mind of her youth.....no pain....just joy. Precious Joy. Grandmother and Granddaddy Hatfield, Uncle Ogle, Hoyt - all there to great her. What JOY must have been on all of their faces. My momma saw Christ. He opened His arms and welcomed her HOME. And if i know my momma.....she was on to the mansion - getting it ready for all of us. She left this world on a Sunday morning.....did she enter heaven and join in the worship service pounding away on the heavenly piano? I can just see her now. And as i write this, my sweet daddy is by her side.....booming away in that beautiful voice of his - "How Great Thou Art" - All these memories because of a song.....on my ipod - as i walk. I listen closely to the words....each part of the song brings a different memory.....

May be surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh, I miss you, you know - i see my little momma.....sitting in the middle of others in that retirement home - surrounded by people - but so alone.....longing for HOME.....

And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
“I’m fine baby, how are you?”
Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough - all the memories of her love....for daddy, for me, for family - locked away in her mind - locked away by a horrible disease....but there....still there - and every once in awhile she would catch a glimpse.....

And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
'Cause this was not your dream
But you always believed in me - She must have often felt like she was living someone else's life....like she was looking from the outside into a life didn't understand.....and daddy couldn't understand - couldn't be inside that mind with her - none of us could - but each one of us, daddy more so than anyone - always believed in her.....always supported her.

Let me go home
I’ve had my run
Baby, I’m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all be all right
I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home - reminds me of the day she made up her mind....that Wednesday when words changed....when emotion changed - Baby she's done....she's had her run - but she's going home. And she's home now.....Home with our Lord. Home with my daddy by her side. HOME.

I miss you momma and I love you with all that's in me. Love, "your" cindy.

December 20, 2009 Today was our Christmas Day. My family, that i love and adore, gathered together in our home last night for Christmas Eve. I was given so many sweet gifts today, but i think the one i cherish the most is just that - my family, all under one roof, waking up on Christmas morning together. There were way too many gifts.....i am not sure it's good for any of us, because our giving was for sure in excess this year. I figured me out though - probably need a little counseling - but i did figure it all out - i give gifts and i search and fret over getting just the right thing....and I think i do it because i want to erase all the hurt with the gifts....i want to erase deceit and divorce and a deadbeat dad that left his family - i want to erase wives that cheat on their husbands......i want to erase the scars of divorce on my boys and my girls - all of them. It doesn't do it though - the gifts are unwrapped, boxes packed up and everyone's gone home - not sure one bit of those hurts were erased by a gift. I just hope and pray that the love in this house, in this room - with the help of our Heavenly Father - can mend and heal. I have to realize i can't buy the scars away.....but i can sure try and love them away! I am so blessed with this precious family - they will never know what they mean to me....never can know how much i love them - I am blessed beyond measure.

I was reminded too this day, as i lit the candles in my mom's candle holders that she has had for as long as i can remember.....How very much i miss our parents. Oh how momma loved this time of year! I can still remember as a child - in my bed, waiting for sleep to come - the lights outside my window burning green and red - and i can hear my parents and their friends singing Christmas hymns - momma playing the piano, daddy with his deep voice booming....oh how safe and secure i felt. How much love was in that house.....and i know now that there probably weren't very many gifts around that tree - not at all like we had today - but the love - the sweetness.....oh my, how blessed. I felt like the richest child on earth. And i was =)

And I am =)

I miss you more than i can say momma and daddy. I know your Christmas in heaven can't even be described....Michael's mom's first Christmas with you guys. All four are loved and missed so much. Big hugs to each of you. Love you with all of my heart!

Thankful.....sent to Angie on 9-11

On the way to work this morning, i heard the song by Maroon Five - don't know the actual name of it....i think it's "She will be loved" but the lyrics go:

See the girl with the broken smile,
ask her if she wants to stay a while -
and she will be loved....she will be loved.

another part says "i want to make you feel beautiful....."

Well, you know how certain songs are linked with certain memories and you just can't get them out of your head? Or your heart? Like Somewhere over the rainbow....
every single solitary time i hear the first notes of that song, a smile comes across my face and memories just flood....i re-live the engagement party every time i hear that song....that moment will always be embedded in my mind, in my heart..... and it just makes my heart SMILE so big....

Well, that maroon five song makes me oh so sad.....it hurts everytime i hear it and this morning, i was trying to turn that around....

One day, right after the break-up - and it was at a time when Chase was just devastated and i was so worried about him - so worried about Addylou.....we got Addy for a day or a weekend....i can't even remember what the occasion was - but we were in the car after picking her up - just me and papa and Addylou. Shawn got her a keyboard for Christmas i think it was and she had that keyboard in the car with her. I remember she was dressed in pink - and i am crying right now just remembering....back then she didn't smile much - she was very very quiet.....and she was scared and sad and it was written all over her little spirit. So here was this little, was she 3 then or 4 - i can't remember....but here's this precious little angel, sitting in her little carseat....so broken, so sad..... and she keeps hitting the button on that keyboard and those words come out...over and over again......."see the girl with the broken smile - ask her if she wants to stay a while - and she will be loved....she will be loved." It breaks my heart. I am sitting here at my desk just crying.....those words make me feel what Addison was going through....makes me feel what Chase was going through....it makes me remember the heartache, the loss....the fear, the insecurity....

BUT......

Then came along a precious angel named Angie.....and Addison IS so very loved.  Her little heart has turned around and oh what a happy child she is!  Thank you, Angie, for the difference you have made in their lives....in our lives.....for mending our hearts together even stronger than we ever thought they could be. I love you sweet girl!

Heard a song today on my afternoon walk.....my take:

Michael, How long do you want to be loved?

Is forever enough, is forever enough?

How long do you want to be loved

Is forever enough

Cause I'm never, never giving you up

As long as you travel in this troubled world -

is forever enough? Is forever enough?

As long as you travel in this troubled world,

You'll be loved forever by this blue-eyed girl -

yes, loved forever by this blue-eyed girl.

Love you Michael Lane Corley

The Beginning.....

Mother's Day 2009

This mom had a wonderful day today.  How blessed I am to have this precious family of mine.  My boys are so precious to me and now I have a wonderful daughter too!  Add 4 sweet granddaughters to the mix and that's a true blessing!  We met Angie, Chase, Shawn, Audrey and Haley for lunch at Papasito's.  We had the best time together.  This evening we took mema her gift and spent the evening with her at the rehab center.  She's doing much better and should get to go home soon - maybe this Friday!  Thank you Lord for this sweet family.  Please bless us and keep us safe and in your care.  Watch over my family in Arkansas, Kansas, Decatur, and all over.  Thank you for your Love and Care for each one of us!

Please give that precious momma of mine a hug for me and tell her how very much I miss her!