I have a friend that is going through a really rough time right now with her momma. Her little momma is so sick and hurting and it just makes me think of the times we had at the end of yours and mommas lives. As i read in the previous blog "Home", i realized i wrote about momma's passing......but i never have written about yours. Altho it's so painful, it helps sometimes to remember how God carried us through it - and also, someday, i want the boys to remember.....
You were SO sick at the end of momma's life......in fact, through your entire life, you had so many times when you were hospitalized with BAD things.....like when you got sick over in Venezuela - you nearly died.....i was too young to remember that time. But then when i was 16, and we thought you had a heart attack - but it turned out to be really bad low blood sugar.....i still remember that day when the ambulance came and rushed you to the hospital - it scared me SO bad. I prayed all night long and made bargains with God to just let you be okay. God was SO good to us - he gave you and momma a LONG life together and really, altho we had some scary times as i mentioned, you had GOOD times....oh my goodness, all the vacations, all the trips to Arkansas, Canada, New England - we traveled all over, you and me and momma. Of course momma made it perfect at home - she took such good care of us and you went to work each day and provided for our family - I consider my childhood to be perfection.....we were never rich by any means, at least financially.....but we were rich in love and happiness. At 80 years old, you had open heart surgery......i will never forget seeing you after the surgery, as they wheeled you up to ICU, I was scared to death because you looked awful. A little while later, they left us in ICU to see you and you had that big old cord down your throat helping you breath.....you looked me in the eye and mouthed to me "I'm gonna lick this thing!" and lick it you did daddy. That night, momma and i came in to see you once more before i took her home - they had you sitting up in a chair by your bed. I couldn't believe it. You had MAJOR surgery that morning.....a heart valve replacement.....and now you were sitting in a chair. I will never forget walking in and seeing you because you had a grin the size of Texas on your sweet face......you were "giddy" and i think it's because you were so worried that you wouldn't make it through the surgery. On the way home that night, little momma sitting beside me in the car, she looks at me and says "You know Cindy.....i think your daddy has a drinking problem" - oh my gosh, it was all i could do not bust out laughing! She said "yes, i think that's why he's in that place" - Momma took your smiles and laughter to mean you were drunk! I told her "no, momma.....daddy is not drinking....he's had major surgery and i tell you what momma, he's just HAPPY to be here! SO many sweet memories during your hospital stay. Deana came and stayed with momma for 5 days and i stayed night and day with you.....i just camped out in your hospital room and those are some of the sweetest memories i have daddy......late night talks......we did crosswords together.....just so many sweet memories. Once i knew you would be okay during the night, i sent Deana home and i stayed with momma for 2 weeks while you were in the hospital and rehab.....momma and i would get up really early in the morning and we would head to the hospital.....we would stay all day long and then come home late in the evening. She was a trooper.....and even then her Alzheimer's was rearing it's ugly head pretty good. One evening, you were having some problems and i didn't want to leave.....we stayed LATE.....momma had been up ALL day long and into the night. As we were driving home late that night, she says to me "Cindy, is he "taken'? I said "What momma?" and she asked me again "Is he taken? Because i LOVE him.....and just as soon as he gets out of that hospital, we are going to get married! John is going to marry us (who by the way is who did marry you) and i was wondering if you think the Lord would mind if i brought him home once they let him leave?" - I laughed and said "momma.....you and daddy have been married over 55 years......you are already married!" She looked at me and said "We are?????? Well hot diggity then, the Lord won't care if i bring him home!" There was a time right after you got home from having the surgery......i had gone back to work and i got a phone call....you told me "something is wrong - very wrong" - that you were feeling weak and that you couldn't make it. I threw the phone down at work - and i made it to your house in 7 minutes.....that's from Mesquite to Dallas.....and all the way i am calling 911. When i get there, the ambulance is there and telling me they need to take you in - I left mom with the neighbors until Michael could get here and then i rode with you in the ambulance. You really didn't think you were going to make it that day. You told me how much you loved me.....how precious i was to you......and i told you the same. Scared to death, praying like crazy all the way to the hospital. We get there, and they can't find one thing wrong! We ended up going home that night and you never had that feeling again! Thank you Lord. That was such a hard time for us all.....you had the surgery on May 1st of 2000......we went to rehab all that summer.....and then my hero daddy did a 5K with me in September!!!! You amazed me daddy. I remember too, they let you cut the rope to start the race. 3 1/2 months after open heart surgery and you do a 5K! That's MY daddy!! Another time....this time momma was in the hospital - she fell and hurt her back. I spent the night with her in the hospital and that evening, when Michael started to take you home, she said "Ray, i don't want you to leave" - i assured her that you would be right back in the morning......well, the next morning, the nurse was in doing stuff with mom's IV etc, and in you walk......momma looked up and got the biggest grin on her face and said "There's MY Ray" - you walked over to her.....and you bent that long lanky body down and kissed her on the lips - a quick little kiss - and you stood back up. Momma said "you come here" and she pulled your head down to her and she laid a kiss on you....a LONG one.....and when you bent back up she said "That's what i'm talking about" - oh my gosh, i thought the nurse was going to bust a gut. It was SOOOO sweet. It wasn't until the end of your life that you started having really bad problems. With momma, it was the Alzheimer's.....and it really didn't start getting bad until about 2 years before she died. The last year was awful - and you insisted on staying in your home and keeping momma there with you. I respected your wishes, but as i look back, i just wonder if i could have made changes that would have helped? Momma was sweet as she could be part of the time that last year.....but when her mind "left" - she was abusive to you and to herself - and it took a toll on you. That last year, i didn't make a move without my cell phone because you often had to call me to come and help you calm her down. Sometimes there was nothing left to do but take her home with me.....but as soon as we left, she wanted her "Ray" - so many times i would keep her in the den while you would go and change your clothes, sneak out the front door and come in the back - where she was used to you coming in, and she would tell you "Ray Beard....don't you ever leave me again!"....we did that for a while, but then she caught on and it didn't work anymore. You got a horrible case of shingles.....the hurt from it never ever went away. Between momma losing it and the shingles, your health declined to a point i didn't know what we were going to do. We hired a lady to come in and be there during the day, but you weren't happy with her. Momma liked her just fine.....but you didn't want her there. One day you had a stroke....i was rolling momma's hair and you were working in the yard.....i looked up to see you trying to get in the back door and your face was drawn....you couldn't talk......i rushed you to the chair and reached for the phone to call 911 and in broken speech that i could hardly understand, you told me "don't call 911....it will go away" - that telling me that you have had these episodes before and just haven't told me! Well, one time in my life, i didn't listen to you and i called 911. The ambulance came and you ended up walking yourself to the ambulance. We never figured out what caused it.....
But as your pain grew worse from shingles, and momma's bouts got worse, we all realized we had to do something. Non of us could handle her outbursts anymore - it was dangerous....to her and to you. I would go to your house each day after work (i had to try and hold down my job because our insurance was through my work) and you would come to the door WHITE with pain. Your entire face just white as a sheet.....I searched and searched for a place for momma....where she would be safe and close by and loved.....finally i found the Buckner Retirement home Alzheimer's Unit.....gosh just remembering all this.....this is one of the parts where God carried me. I could never have done this in a thousand years.......i had sworn i would never see either one of you in a nursing home......but with threats to kill you and to kill herself.....i didn't have another answer. I took her over one day for an evaluation.....as we went in, she was just fine.....they took her back and asked her some questions....didn't let me go. They walked her back out and i could tell by the look on her face, she was ANGRY. As we got in the car, momma told me "By golly, you better not EVER bring me to this place again and if you even THINK about me coming here to live, you have another thing coming!" It was awful. Oh my, i prayed and prayed and prayed.....i had friends praying hard too.....i went and got beautiful things to fix her room there....pictures of our family everywhere.....beds and rugs and towels and things all in pink - and then the day came....i dreaded it so bad.....i honestly didn't know how i was going to do it. The Grishams came and parked out front so that the minute we left, they could come in and swoop you up in their arms and love on your broken heart..........as we drove up to the retirement home, momma looked at it and said "you know.....i have been here before" - Michael and i looked at each other and prepared ourselves for the onslaught - but then these words "You know, the people here were SO very nice....in fact, i hated to leave" - Now if that's not God i don't know what is! That is answered prayer......God was RIGHT there with us. He knew i would break if momma did......He knew it. The nurses met us at the door and we walked in.....we looked around......and then i took momma back to her room. She looked around the room and nodded......then i asked her to sit on the bed. We sat down and i told her "momma, you know how sick daddy is right now, right?" She nodded yes......"And momma there are times when you tell me you don't want to live there anymore - that you want to live somewhere else. Well i got to thinking, that maybe just for a while it would be better for us to let daddy have some rest so he can get better......and you asked me to find you a place to live and i found this beautiful place momma....it's right around the corner from daddy....and it's not far from me.....and just for a little while, i think it would be a good place for you to stay until daddy gets better and stronger" - Her head was down.....and i saw her chin quiver.....God don't let me break i prayed - she looked at me and said "Does Ray know?" - i told her yes, Ray knows and it's breaking his heart to be apart, but his health is so bad, we have to let him rest...... - she did so good......well, that day she did good. That evening was another story, but as the nurses worked with her, she got better. Now, i thought as you got stronger you would go and see her everyday.....but i was surprised to know you didn't. As i look back, i think it's because you couldn't bare it. I went everyday.....i would leave work, go by and get you dinner and visit, and then i would go see momma. I pretty much neglected my family that last year.....but they understood completely.....Michael was WONDERFUL. Many nights he met me at the door with a glass of wine in hand and open arms. I honestly don't know how i physically made it through all that. Well, yes i do. God gave me the strength....emotionally AND physcially. Your health didn't improve......it slowly declined. You never lost your spirit - you kept trying as hard as you could.....but i could see your little body just getting worse and worse. When momma died....you were in the hospital too. We didn't know what was wrong until the week of momma's funeral - that's when we found out you had lymphoma. I don't think it sank in that you had cancer until months later. Even though the doctor we went to see was an oncologist and that he mentioned you would have to take chemo - in pill form - you never ever mentioned the word cancer....and because you didn't, neither did i. After momma died, you still tried your hardest to keep going. You would take your chemo pills and at the same time they gave you high doses of steroids.....oh how i loved the steroids because when taking them, you ate like a horse and you would even get out and walk around the block! Your sweet neighbors would invite you over for dinner......and you would GO! But then the down side would come when you weren't on them and you wouldn't eat....your energy level was "0" and you would get SO sick. I can't even count the number of times we went to ER......I would go over every day and cook or clean or visit....and many days you couldn't lift a finger.....many times we just went to ER because we didn't know what else to do. Sometimes they admitted you.....sometimes they would send you home. One week we went to ER three times! On one of our visits, the admitting nurse said "now Mr. Beard, last time you were here, your blood pressure was very low, isn't that right?" - i mean they KNEW us in ER!! Then that last trip......we went to Er and they admitted you.....things were not right they needed to do all kinds of tests.....oh gosh, i remember the colonoscopy.....they had to do that prep thing......you were so weak and having trouble getting in and out of the bed - so i got you on the potty chair and wrapped all these blankets around you and just sat there with you......you looked like an Indian in a teepee! Then they had to give you blood. For some reason, that made you sick at your stomach.....and they had to give you two units. I remember just laying my head on your bed during the first unit - and you were just SO sick.....then she brings in the second unit.....you just didn't think you could make it. So i went and got your very favorite thing to do....the crossword.....i crawled up in bed with you and we worked on that crossword together for the entire length of time it took to get that unit of blood and you did GREAT! That is such a sweet memory for me daddy.....the two of us, up in that bed doing the crossword. After that trip to the hospital, you were too weak to go home. They insisted you go to a rehab place. In fact, we had to go to that rehab place twice......you hated it the first time and then the second time.....that's when i saw your spirit leave.....you lost your will to live at that point. That was such a hard thing for me because you were always bigger than life.....always my hero and i had never ever once in my life seen my daddy without a zest for life - one afternoon as i visited you, i could tell things were just not right. You wouldn't talk to me.....you were so weak. I called the nurse and she did your vitals and said they better move you to the hospital. That started our two weeks there at Presby....once you got in and they go you hydrated etc., you got just a bit better. I saw a little bit of your spirit return.......until that day when you started bleeding. I have never seen so much blood in my life and even the little nurse that kept telling me "it's going to be okay" was scared out of her mind....i could tell. They sent me out of the room and nurses started running in your room with towels and stuff.....they sent you to ICU. Every once in awhile Michael or Deana would stay with you and i would drive home to shower and change clothes....on this day, Becky Grisham called or i called her....i can't remember.....but i was crying so hard that she couldn't understand what i was saying. I remember thinking that i wanted to just keep on driving.....that i didn't want to stay at that hospital anymore - that i couldn't take seeing my daddy like this. Becky insisted that i wait for her at home....she was going back with me - and that she did. Many nights she and Charles came and stayed in the room with daddy so that Deana and i could go to the hotel room we rented upstairs and just sleep. Daddy, one day we were able to talk.....you and me, one on one. You told me you didn't want to do this anymore.....that you wanted to go home and see the Lord.....that you wanted to go see momma. You told me how much you loved me.....you told me how precious i was in your life. I told you that you were the best daddy in the entire world and that i loved you more than words.....more than one could measure......we held each other and we told each other goodbye. I am so thankful for that time.....as hard and painful as it was, i was so glad that i didn't have to make decisions....YOU made them. You told me not to let those doctors do one more thing to keep you here. You made up your mind.....you were ready. I can't remember how many days it was after that.....there were always lots of people in your room. I do remember one day the chaplin came by.....Deana and i were there and he prayed for you.....at this point you were not talking.....you were pretty much asleep all the time. The Chaplin quoted a scripture - the one that says we will get new bodies when we get to heaven - and you LAUGHED....you actually chuckled. All i could think of was you and a body that didn't hurt anymore......a body that could do all the things you loved to do. We gathered hands and sang too......you smiled as we sang. Becky and Charles came to stay one night.....what precious family they are - and you always said "they are family" - and they are. God's gift to us. Oh my gosh, they loved you so much. Anyway, Thursday night they came to stay for a while. When they got there, they told me i looked awful.....just awful. Becky kept saying " you go up and take a shower and get some rest.....you know i will call you if there's one bit of change" - i knew the end of your life was not far - i could just tell......i didn't want to leave. After 30 minutes of talking to me and begging me to just go shower if nothing else, i leaned down to kiss you and i whispered "daddy, i will be back in just a few minutes....i am going upstairs to shower" - i turned to leave and Becky Grisham said these words "Ten more breaths....don't leave" - i looked at her and said "WHAT?" and then i looked at you. You were having trouble breathing.....and as Becky's words predicted.....ten more breaths and you were stepping into glory. I held one hand and Becky held the other. Michael was there....Deana was there.....Deb was there....Becky and Charles .....Becky shouted "Praise the Lord Almighty, he's HOME!". One of the nurse grabbed me started praying the sweetest prayer. She wouldn't let go of me......i wanted to grab Michael.....i wanted to grab Becky....but she held me tight and prayed and prayed and prayed. As i remember this.....i know for a fact that God carried me through these days. There is no way on this earth that i could have made it through all this.....NO WAY. God you are mighty to save and mighty to guide us and carry us when we need to be carried. How MANY steps you carried me Lord. Daddy, you were such a gift to me. I so often thank the Lord for the gift of you and momma. I realize my life could have been so different.......but God took my life and hand delivered me to you and momma. You and momma woke up that morning of March 18, 1952 never in a million years knowing you would have a baby girl that afternoon......Momma always told me she would never forget the picture of that lawyer, dressed in a brown suit, coming down the steps of Baylor Hospital holding me in a yellow blanket. That day was the sweetest day of my life.....because had it not been for that day, i would not be who i am today. I am because you two loved me beyond measure......you taught me how to love, how to love Christ.....how to be caring, loving, kind, generous, strong - you taught me to follow the Lord and His teaching.....you made me ME. I think often of all the little sweet reminders God sends to me reminding me of the gift He gave me in you. I remember one time we were going to one of your doctor's appointments - it was late in your lives.....momma in her 90's.....you in your 80's - and we were on an elevator.....as usual i had your hands....mom's in one hand, yours in the other....and this person - i can't even remember if it was a male or female - got on the elevator with us. We rode in silence up the floors and that person got off before we did....and they turned around as they left the elevator and said these words "You are a family aren't you?" - now you tell me how strange is that? HOW STRANGE is that? well, to me it wasn't strange....that was an angel.....an angel saying "cindy.....don't forget how blessed you are" - and you what daddy? I have never taken for granted how deeply blessed i have been my entire life because of you and momma. I often joke and tell people i loved with Ward and June Cleavor.....mom didn't wear the pearls - but everything else is pretty much right on. I know i gave you guys fits in my teenage years.....for that i am SO sorry. But i hope in my lifetime, you never....not one time, felt anything but this overwhelming love that i have for both of you. I have no regrets......i know you and momma left this world knowing that you were loved more than life. You always were my hero daddy.....and you always will be. One day i will see you and momma again and i will feel those great big arms around me and i will see that grin as big as Texas......until then, know that i love you both so very much. You are my heart.....you are the best part of me. Thank you for loving me the way you do. Thank you for my life.....
No comments:
Post a Comment