Little Things

Just the other day i was reminded about something Avery told me.....and i had forgotten it. I don't want to forget it - ever.....i wish to goodness i could remember every little thing - about every ordinary little day- but that's not possible - but i thought i would write down a few of the little things....little things i want to keep forever.

Avery and Shawn joined "Indian Princesses" - she was so excited (she was six at the time) and telling me all about what they were going to get to do - "Mimi, we get to go CAMPING! and we get to sleep in CABINETS...." i said "Cabinets - well where will the daddies sleep?" - "oh they will sleep in cabinets TOO!"

Haley was staying with us while Chase and Angie were in MExico.....she was telling me "Mimi, if my husband to be isn't a football player, guess what he's going to be?" "Hummmm," i am thinking "Not sure Hay" - "A COWBOY - and here's his picture" - she shows me on her phone this beautiful guy decked in jeans and a cowboy hat.....i tell her "As long as he loved the Lord Hay" - and just a moment later, she looks at me and says these words "I can promise you that, Mimi!"

Addy was about 5 - Kindergarten i guess - and Chase took her to school that morning. When he picked her up that afternoon, she was so excited to tell him that the "drag dogs" came to school that day. Chase questioned her "Addy, did you say DRAG dogs?"
"yes daddy and they talked to us about the drag dogs" - then chase remember seeing the sign that morning when he dropped her off....."DRUG dogs will be here today" - we all laughed so hard thinking what in the world could have been going through Addy's little mind with drag dogs? Dogs that just drag around all day????? Out of the mouths of babes.

When Avery and Shawn lived with us - Halloween was approaching. Avery wanted to help me "decorate" - she was around 3 or 4.....we were going through Mimi's things, pulling out pumpkins and such - and then Avery tells me "Mimi, i have a GREAT idea!" She knew something we could "make" that was just the best thing ever! She tried to explain it to me - "mimi, you get a bowl and you cut a hole in it....then you get a glub and you put the glub through the hole and if anyone gets the candy you "grab them" - soooo her excitement grows and she says "mimi, do you have a bowl?" - i get an old plastic bowl - "and now i need a glub" - "a glub?????" "Yes, Mimi....you have glubs" - realizing she needs a GLOVE - i go and get a ski glove - 'Oh NO!" Avery laughs...."Mimi - i need a RUBBER GLUB" - Now i am getting the entire picture.....we find a rubber "glub" and we cut the hole in the bowl....and we put our hand up through the bowl and put candy in it. And then we scare Papa when he trys to get a bite =) I ask this little wisp of a girl where she came up with this idea......"Martha Stewart Halloween Mimi!" - like of COURSE you should know where this idea came from!

When Chase was little, about 3, we had spinach for dinner. That night he got sick and threw up all over his bed and the floor (and i must say that was the WORST thing i think i have ever cleaned up) - that night in his prayers "....and dear God, please don't let spinach come out my nose EVER again!" - and i must say - it never has.....because he won't eat it!

Shawn, age 2 or so, was down for his afternoon nap.....i heard him yelling at me from his room so i ran in - "Momma!!!! My TUMMY is TALKING!!!!" - and sure enough....it was growling like crazy =)

Shawn was with me at a department store - he was around 3. As we walked in, he saw the big "ICEE display" and immediately wanted one. I told him not right then - we would get one after we shopped. As we went through the store, he begged to get out of the cart.....i agreed but told him he must stay right beside me. As i shopped, i turned to see him every minute - just to be sure he was right beside me. Well, a turned to look and no Shawn. I panicked.....freaking out i start calling his name....louder and louder. Then i remembered the Icee display and ran that way.....there sat Shawn on the counter with a salesperson.....i ran up to him and said "Shawn Michael Corley! " - the lady said "What did you call him?" "Shawn Corley" and she said "we were just about to make an announcement for the mother of Jimmy Concogley to come to the front" - Now why Shawn decided to change his name at the age of 3 i will never know!

One day Chase came home from day care with a HUGE bite mark on his shoulder - AGAIN. Carolyn, the biter had left a HUGE mark.....Chase told me "momma, you know what miss apple to me do?" - "What Chase?" "She told me bite Carolyn" - oh my i thought...."Chase, did you bite Carolyn?" - "Oh NOOOOOOOOOO, i not bite Carolyn - you know what Miss Apple do? She BIT Carolyn!" That night in his prayers, Chase blessed his family, his friends....and started naming them....God bless momma, and daddy and shawn and memaws and pepaws and Adrian and Carolyn" LONG pause - then "No, not Carolyn.....she BITES!"

Never want to forget the way shawn said "goggie" or hairpoos or t-tubbers......gosh, can we go back??

More to come......thank you Lord for this precious life you have given me.....and all the memories.

memories......

As far back as i can remember, my daddy was bigger than life to me. At 6 ft. 5 inches, he stands tall in every memory i have - but not just because of his stature. My daddy had a heart as big as Texas and everyone that knew him loved him and knew how special he was. Today, i am cleaning out my closet and i am finding little memories......i tuck them away just like you did daddy. I found an email from Michael - written years ago that said "Today i told God how very much i love you and appreciate you - and i love you so much" - so unlike my hubby to send me that, which makes it all the sweeter. Also found copies of emails from Chase - written years ago also, telling me how much he appreciates growing up in a family that loves because now, as a father and a husband, he loves with that same magnitude - so LIKE Chase to send notes like that, but just a few i copied and kept. Folded, creased, and stained - i took them and put them in a safe place. I got that from you daddy. I still have boxes of your things and momma's things to go through - there's just so much of that emotion i can take at one time....still the memories, altho sweet, are so painful.....because i miss you both so much. One sweet thing i found from you......and i remember this time so well....Father's Day was approaching, and as i often did, i purchased your Father's Day card WAY in advance.....i would look for one that said exactly what was in my heart.....well, as the day got closer, i found another card - it was just perfect....so, that year, you had two Father's Day cards. I decided i would give you one with your gift - and the other one i would tuck away under your pillow so you could find it that night before you went to bed. We came to visit you and momma that day.....and i slipped back into your bedroom and hid the card for you. Fast forward to a few years later......you and momma are safely in heaven and i am going through boxes of "memories" you have collected over the years......Many are cards you have saved - and i do mean you saved some cards! I found cards from when i was a little bitty girl - momma signed them for me.....and then, cards with my sloppily printed "love, cindy" with the "e" backwards....- i read each and every one (and i must say, i saved every single one!) .....then i ran across the one i had tucked under your pillow. I opened it up and was surprised to find a sticky note inside. In your handwriting, i began to read.....and tears ran down my cheeks. You wrote a note saying "what a sweet surprise i had this evening. Cindy put this card under my pillow so i would find it tonight. What a sweet and precious daughter we have. I thank the Lord for her life and her love for me" - the thought.....that you took time to write that note.....and to me.....you wrote it so i would find it years later. A reminder of how much my daddy loved me. So many memories daddy - you packed them away and if i know you, you went through them often and just "loved and remembered". Well, your daughter does the very same thing! Oh my, the kids will have a hay day some day when we are gone. I hope they will look back and see the little notes and remembrances and know how very much THEY were loved too. I miss you and momma so much daddy. Every now and then i just ask God to give you a big old hug for me. I know heaven must be so beautiful and perfect. I just wonder if momma plays the piano and you sing with that low booming voice of yours. "How Great Thou Art" has never sounded as beautiful as when you sang it - and momma played it.

I have a friend that is going through a really rough time right now with her momma. Her little momma is so sick and hurting and it just makes me think of the times we had at the end of yours and mommas lives. As i read in the previous blog "Home", i realized i wrote about momma's passing......but i never have written about yours. Altho it's so painful, it helps sometimes to remember how God carried us through it - and also, someday, i want the boys to remember.....

You were SO sick at the end of momma's life......in fact, through your entire life, you had so many times when you were hospitalized with BAD things.....like when you got sick over in Venezuela - you nearly died.....i was too young to remember that time. But then when i was 16, and we thought you had a heart attack - but it turned out to be really bad low blood sugar.....i still remember that day when the ambulance came and rushed you to the hospital - it scared me SO bad. I prayed all night long and made bargains with God to just let you be okay. God was SO good to us - he gave you and momma a LONG life together and really, altho we had some scary times as i mentioned, you had GOOD times....oh my goodness, all the vacations, all the trips to Arkansas, Canada, New England - we traveled all over, you and me and momma. Of course momma made it perfect at home - she took such good care of us and you went to work each day and provided for our family - I consider my childhood to be perfection.....we were never rich by any means, at least financially.....but we were rich in love and happiness. At 80 years old, you had open heart surgery......i will never forget seeing you after the surgery, as they wheeled you up to ICU, I was scared to death because you looked awful. A little while later, they left us in ICU to see you and you had that big old cord down your throat helping you breath.....you looked me in the eye and mouthed to me "I'm gonna lick this thing!" and lick it you did daddy. That night, momma and i came in to see you once more before i took her home - they had you sitting up in a chair by your bed. I couldn't believe it. You had MAJOR surgery that morning.....a heart valve replacement.....and now you were sitting in a chair. I will never forget walking in and seeing you because you had a grin the size of Texas on your sweet face......you were "giddy" and i think it's because you were so worried that you wouldn't make it through the surgery. On the way home that night, little momma sitting beside me in the car, she looks at me and says "You know Cindy.....i think your daddy has a drinking problem" - oh my gosh, it was all i could do not bust out laughing! She said "yes, i think that's why he's in that place" - Momma took your smiles and laughter to mean you were drunk! I told her "no, momma.....daddy is not drinking....he's had major surgery and i tell you what momma, he's just HAPPY to be here! SO many sweet memories during your hospital stay. Deana came and stayed with momma for 5 days and i stayed night and day with you.....i just camped out in your hospital room and those are some of the sweetest memories i have daddy......late night talks......we did crosswords together.....just so many sweet memories. Once i knew you would be okay during the night, i sent Deana home and i stayed with momma for 2 weeks while you were in the hospital and rehab.....momma and i would get up really early in the morning and we would head to the hospital.....we would stay all day long and then come home late in the evening. She was a trooper.....and even then her Alzheimer's was rearing it's ugly head pretty good. One evening, you were having some problems and i didn't want to leave.....we stayed LATE.....momma had been up ALL day long and into the night. As we were driving home late that night, she says to me "Cindy, is he "taken'? I said "What momma?" and she asked me again "Is he taken? Because i LOVE him.....and just as soon as he gets out of that hospital, we are going to get married! John is going to marry us (who by the way is who did marry you) and i was wondering if you think the Lord would mind if i brought him home once they let him leave?" - I laughed and said "momma.....you and daddy have been married over 55 years......you are already married!" She looked at me and said "We are?????? Well hot diggity then, the Lord won't care if i bring him home!" There was a time right after you got home from having the surgery......i had gone back to work and i got a phone call....you told me "something is wrong - very wrong" - that you were feeling weak and that you couldn't make it. I threw the phone down at work - and i made it to your house in 7 minutes.....that's from Mesquite to Dallas.....and all the way i am calling 911. When i get there, the ambulance is there and telling me they need to take you in - I left mom with the neighbors until Michael could get here and then i rode with you in the ambulance. You really didn't think you were going to make it that day. You told me how much you loved me.....how precious i was to you......and i told you the same. Scared to death, praying like crazy all the way to the hospital. We get there, and they can't find one thing wrong! We ended up going home that night and you never had that feeling again! Thank you Lord. That was such a hard time for us all.....you had the surgery on May 1st of 2000......we went to rehab all that summer.....and then my hero daddy did a 5K with me in September!!!! You amazed me daddy. I remember too, they let you cut the rope to start the race. 3 1/2 months after open heart surgery and you do a 5K! That's MY daddy!! Another time....this time momma was in the hospital - she fell and hurt her back. I spent the night with her in the hospital and that evening, when Michael started to take you home, she said "Ray, i don't want you to leave" - i assured her that you would be right back in the morning......well, the next morning, the nurse was in doing stuff with mom's IV etc, and in you walk......momma looked up and got the biggest grin on her face and said "There's MY Ray" - you walked over to her.....and you bent that long lanky body down and kissed her on the lips - a quick little kiss - and you stood back up. Momma said "you come here" and she pulled your head down to her and she laid a kiss on you....a LONG one.....and when you bent back up she said "That's what i'm talking about" - oh my gosh, i thought the nurse was going to bust a gut. It was SOOOO sweet. It wasn't until the end of your life that you started having really bad problems. With momma, it was the Alzheimer's.....and it really didn't start getting bad until about 2 years before she died. The last year was awful - and you insisted on staying in your home and keeping momma there with you. I respected your wishes, but as i look back, i just wonder if i could have made changes that would have helped? Momma was sweet as she could be part of the time that last year.....but when her mind "left" - she was abusive to you and to herself - and it took a toll on you. That last year, i didn't make a move without my cell phone because you often had to call me to come and help you calm her down. Sometimes there was nothing left to do but take her home with me.....but as soon as we left, she wanted her "Ray" - so many times i would keep her in the den while you would go and change your clothes, sneak out the front door and come in the back - where she was used to you coming in, and she would tell you "Ray Beard....don't you ever leave me again!"....we did that for a while, but then she caught on and it didn't work anymore. You got a horrible case of shingles.....the hurt from it never ever went away. Between momma losing it and the shingles, your health declined to a point i didn't know what we were going to do. We hired a lady to come in and be there during the day, but you weren't happy with her. Momma liked her just fine.....but you didn't want her there. One day you had a stroke....i was rolling momma's hair and you were working in the yard.....i looked up to see you trying to get in the back door and your face was drawn....you couldn't talk......i rushed you to the chair and reached for the phone to call 911 and in broken speech that i could hardly understand, you told me "don't call 911....it will go away" - that telling me that you have had these episodes before and just haven't told me! Well, one time in my life, i didn't listen to you and i called 911. The ambulance came and you ended up walking yourself to the ambulance. We never figured out what caused it.....

But as your pain grew worse from shingles, and momma's bouts got worse, we all realized we had to do something. Non of us could handle her outbursts anymore - it was dangerous....to her and to you. I would go to your house each day after work (i had to try and hold down my job because our insurance was through my work) and you would come to the door WHITE with pain. Your entire face just white as a sheet.....I searched and searched for a place for momma....where she would be safe and close by and loved.....finally i found the Buckner Retirement home Alzheimer's Unit.....gosh just remembering all this.....this is one of the parts where God carried me. I could never have done this in a thousand years.......i had sworn i would never see either one of you in a nursing home......but with threats to kill you and to kill herself.....i didn't have another answer. I took her over one day for an evaluation.....as we went in, she was just fine.....they took her back and asked her some questions....didn't let me go. They walked her back out and i could tell by the look on her face, she was ANGRY. As we got in the car, momma told me "By golly, you better not EVER bring me to this place again and if you even THINK about me coming here to live, you have another thing coming!" It was awful. Oh my, i prayed and prayed and prayed.....i had friends praying hard too.....i went and got beautiful things to fix her room there....pictures of our family everywhere.....beds and rugs and towels and things all in pink - and then the day came....i dreaded it so bad.....i honestly didn't know how i was going to do it. The Grishams came and parked out front so that the minute we left, they could come in and swoop you up in their arms and love on your broken heart..........as we drove up to the retirement home, momma looked at it and said "you know.....i have been here before" - Michael and i looked at each other and prepared ourselves for the onslaught - but then these words "You know, the people here were SO very nice....in fact, i hated to leave" - Now if that's not God i don't know what is! That is answered prayer......God was RIGHT there with us. He knew i would break if momma did......He knew it. The nurses met us at the door and we walked in.....we looked around......and then i took momma back to her room. She looked around the room and nodded......then i asked her to sit on the bed. We sat down and i told her "momma, you know how sick daddy is right now, right?" She nodded yes......"And momma there are times when you tell me you don't want to live there anymore - that you want to live somewhere else. Well i got to thinking, that maybe just for a while it would be better for us to let daddy have some rest so he can get better......and you asked me to find you a place to live and i found this beautiful place momma....it's right around the corner from daddy....and it's not far from me.....and just for a little while, i think it would be a good place for you to stay until daddy gets better and stronger" - Her head was down.....and i saw her chin quiver.....God don't let me break i prayed - she looked at me and said "Does Ray know?" - i told her yes, Ray knows and it's breaking his heart to be apart, but his health is so bad, we have to let him rest...... - she did so good......well, that day she did good. That evening was another story, but as the nurses worked with her, she got better. Now, i thought as you got stronger you would go and see her everyday.....but i was surprised to know you didn't. As i look back, i think it's because you couldn't bare it. I went everyday.....i would leave work, go by and get you dinner and visit, and then i would go see momma. I pretty much neglected my family that last year.....but they understood completely.....Michael was WONDERFUL. Many nights he met me at the door with a glass of wine in hand and open arms. I honestly don't know how i physically made it through all that. Well, yes i do. God gave me the strength....emotionally AND physcially. Your health didn't improve......it slowly declined. You never lost your spirit - you kept trying as hard as you could.....but i could see your little body just getting worse and worse. When momma died....you were in the hospital too. We didn't know what was wrong until the week of momma's funeral - that's when we found out you had lymphoma. I don't think it sank in that you had cancer until months later. Even though the doctor we went to see was an oncologist and that he mentioned you would have to take chemo - in pill form - you never ever mentioned the word cancer....and because you didn't, neither did i. After momma died, you still tried your hardest to keep going. You would take your chemo pills and at the same time they gave you high doses of steroids.....oh how i loved the steroids because when taking them, you ate like a horse and you would even get out and walk around the block! Your sweet neighbors would invite you over for dinner......and you would GO! But then the down side would come when you weren't on them and you wouldn't eat....your energy level was "0" and you would get SO sick. I can't even count the number of times we went to ER......I would go over every day and cook or clean or visit....and many days you couldn't lift a finger.....many times we just went to ER because we didn't know what else to do. Sometimes they admitted you.....sometimes they would send you home. One week we went to ER three times! On one of our visits, the admitting nurse said "now Mr. Beard, last time you were here, your blood pressure was very low, isn't that right?" - i mean they KNEW us in ER!! Then that last trip......we went to Er and they admitted you.....things were not right they needed to do all kinds of tests.....oh gosh, i remember the colonoscopy.....they had to do that prep thing......you were so weak and having trouble getting in and out of the bed - so i got you on the potty chair and wrapped all these blankets around you and just sat there with you......you looked like an Indian in a teepee! Then they had to give you blood. For some reason, that made you sick at your stomach.....and they had to give you two units. I remember just laying my head on your bed during the first unit - and you were just SO sick.....then she brings in the second unit.....you just didn't think you could make it. So i went and got your very favorite thing to do....the crossword.....i crawled up in bed with you and we worked on that crossword together for the entire length of time it took to get that unit of blood and you did GREAT! That is such a sweet memory for me daddy.....the two of us, up in that bed doing the crossword. After that trip to the hospital, you were too weak to go home. They insisted you go to a rehab place. In fact, we had to go to that rehab place twice......you hated it the first time and then the second time.....that's when i saw your spirit leave.....you lost your will to live at that point. That was such a hard thing for me because you were always bigger than life.....always my hero and i had never ever once in my life seen my daddy without a zest for life - one afternoon as i visited you, i could tell things were just not right. You wouldn't talk to me.....you were so weak. I called the nurse and she did your vitals and said they better move you to the hospital. That started our two weeks there at Presby....once you got in and they go you hydrated etc., you got just a bit better. I saw a little bit of your spirit return.......until that day when you started bleeding. I have never seen so much blood in my life and even the little nurse that kept telling me "it's going to be okay" was scared out of her mind....i could tell. They sent me out of the room and nurses started running in your room with towels and stuff.....they sent you to ICU. Every once in awhile Michael or Deana would stay with you and i would drive home to shower and change clothes....on this day, Becky Grisham called or i called her....i can't remember.....but i was crying so hard that she couldn't understand what i was saying. I remember thinking that i wanted to just keep on driving.....that i didn't want to stay at that hospital anymore - that i couldn't take seeing my daddy like this. Becky insisted that i wait for her at home....she was going back with me - and that she did. Many nights she and Charles came and stayed in the room with daddy so that Deana and i could go to the hotel room we rented upstairs and just sleep. Daddy, one day we were able to talk.....you and me, one on one. You told me you didn't want to do this anymore.....that you wanted to go home and see the Lord.....that you wanted to go see momma. You told me how much you loved me.....you told me how precious i was in your life. I told you that you were the best daddy in the entire world and that i loved you more than words.....more than one could measure......we held each other and we told each other goodbye. I am so thankful for that time.....as hard and painful as it was, i was so glad that i didn't have to make decisions....YOU made them. You told me not to let those doctors do one more thing to keep you here. You made up your mind.....you were ready. I can't remember how many days it was after that.....there were always lots of people in your room. I do remember one day the chaplin came by.....Deana and i were there and he prayed for you.....at this point you were not talking.....you were pretty much asleep all the time. The Chaplin quoted a scripture - the one that says we will get new bodies when we get to heaven - and you LAUGHED....you actually chuckled. All i could think of was you and a body that didn't hurt anymore......a body that could do all the things you loved to do. We gathered hands and sang too......you smiled as we sang. Becky and Charles came to stay one night.....what precious family they are - and you always said "they are family" - and they are. God's gift to us. Oh my gosh, they loved you so much. Anyway, Thursday night they came to stay for a while. When they got there, they told me i looked awful.....just awful. Becky kept saying " you go up and take a shower and get some rest.....you know i will call you if there's one bit of change" - i knew the end of your life was not far - i could just tell......i didn't want to leave. After 30 minutes of talking to me and begging me to just go shower if nothing else, i leaned down to kiss you and i whispered "daddy, i will be back in just a few minutes....i am going upstairs to shower" - i turned to leave and Becky Grisham said these words "Ten more breaths....don't leave" - i looked at her and said "WHAT?" and then i looked at you. You were having trouble breathing.....and as Becky's words predicted.....ten more breaths and you were stepping into glory. I held one hand and Becky held the other. Michael was there....Deana was there.....Deb was there....Becky and Charles .....Becky shouted "Praise the Lord Almighty, he's HOME!". One of the nurse grabbed me started praying the sweetest prayer. She wouldn't let go of me......i wanted to grab Michael.....i wanted to grab Becky....but she held me tight and prayed and prayed and prayed. As i remember this.....i know for a fact that God carried me through these days. There is no way on this earth that i could have made it through all this.....NO WAY. God you are mighty to save and mighty to guide us and carry us when we need to be carried. How MANY steps you carried me Lord. Daddy, you were such a gift to me. I so often thank the Lord for the gift of you and momma. I realize my life could have been so different.......but God took my life and hand delivered me to you and momma. You and momma woke up that morning of March 18, 1952 never in a million years knowing you would have a baby girl that afternoon......Momma always told me she would never forget the picture of that lawyer, dressed in a brown suit, coming down the steps of Baylor Hospital holding me in a yellow blanket. That day was the sweetest day of my life.....because had it not been for that day, i would not be who i am today. I am because you two loved me beyond measure......you taught me how to love, how to love Christ.....how to be caring, loving, kind, generous, strong - you taught me to follow the Lord and His teaching.....you made me ME. I think often of all the little sweet reminders God sends to me reminding me of the gift He gave me in you. I remember one time we were going to one of your doctor's appointments - it was late in your lives.....momma in her 90's.....you in your 80's - and we were on an elevator.....as usual i had your hands....mom's in one hand, yours in the other....and this person - i can't even remember if it was a male or female - got on the elevator with us. We rode in silence up the floors and that person got off before we did....and they turned around as they left the elevator and said these words "You are a family aren't you?" - now you tell me how strange is that? HOW STRANGE is that? well, to me it wasn't strange....that was an angel.....an angel saying "cindy.....don't forget how blessed you are" - and you what daddy? I have never taken for granted how deeply blessed i have been my entire life because of you and momma. I often joke and tell people i loved with Ward and June Cleavor.....mom didn't wear the pearls - but everything else is pretty much right on. I know i gave you guys fits in my teenage years.....for that i am SO sorry. But i hope in my lifetime, you never....not one time, felt anything but this overwhelming love that i have for both of you. I have no regrets......i know you and momma left this world knowing that you were loved more than life. You always were my hero daddy.....and you always will be. One day i will see you and momma again and i will feel those great big arms around me and i will see that grin as big as Texas......until then, know that i love you both so very much. You are my heart.....you are the best part of me. Thank you for loving me the way you do. Thank you for my life.....

family

I love my family.....what a blessing - what a gift from the Lord. Crazy, mixed up family that brings smiles to my heart and my life. I thank God for each one of you. What an awesome gift of life!

Home

As often it happens, a song i heard on my ipod while walking today gave me reason to go back....to stop....to remember....to explore feelings and emotions. I love music - music can take you back in in an instant and you can just feel moments and emotions from years before. This time, the song is called "Home". Late 2004 and early 2005 proved to be a very hard time in my life. My daddy was so sick - come to find out later he had cancer - but at the time we didn't know what was causing him so much pain and sickness. My precious momma had become victim of one of the most horrible diseases imaginable - Alzheimer's. She was 95 at the time, and we really didn't see the horrible symptoms of the disease until her later years - but momma, during that last year, at times would become violent and she would threaten to hurt my daddy or at times herself. Late 2004 she was still at home with my daddy, who refused to let us get someone in the home to help. As daddy's illness worsened, momma became more and more confused and it got to the point that daddy had to call often because he couldn't calm her down. I didn't go anywhere without my cell phone in hand because his calls were getting more and more frequent - sometimes deep into the night. We would have to rush over and i would sit with momma and michael would sit with daddy. For reasons i will never understand, momma wouldn't recognize daddy....he was a stranger to her and she hated the stranger in her home. For the longest time, we would play a game with momma to calm her. i would sit with momma while daddy went back to their bedroom - he would change his clothes from top to bottom....sneak out the front door and then, as momma and i would sit in the den, daddy would come in the back door - the door she always equated with daddy's arrival, and she would get this relieved look on her face and then would come "Ray Beard, don't you ever leave me again!" She would recognize the precious man coming in the back door and the night would be okay after that.....but as time went on, it would take longer talks to calm her and there were times when the only option was to take her home with me and leave daddy there alone to rest. The back door game wouldn't fly. It never failed though, the minute we drove away, momma would fret and say "we can't leave Ray there - take me home". The same man she wanted to get away from became the one she couldn't leave. In September of 04, daddy's health got to the point we had no option but to get momma into an Alzheimer's unit in a retirement home only a mile or two away from their home. It was the most horrible thing i could have to do - i was still trying to hold down a job and with momma sometimes becoming violent, there just wasn't another option i could see. The morning we took her, we had precious friends waiting to rush in and hold on to my daddy. His heart was breaking. My heart was breaking too. As i write this, i am amazed once again that i was able to make it through this. My parents were the loves of my life....our lives were coming unraveled and there was not a thing i could do to stop it. As i write, i again realize this is one of those times God carried me safely in His mighty arms.....because there's no way on earth i could have walked this part of the journey. Life was on auto-pilot. Work - go by and get daddy dinner - visit with daddy - then to see momma - then home - just to wake up and do it all over again. I do not know how i emotionally made it - having to go and see my momma....sitting there in a room with others that didn't know where they were or sometimes who they were....each and everyone of them wanting to go HOME.....how did my heart not break to the point of no return? My only answer is Christ. And to see my daddy....there in that house, all alone - spirit broken (which by the way, i had never seen before in my life - my daddy....my hero - the strong one - so weak and frail) a pile of uncertainty and heartache......i still don't understand why.....why these two? Thanksgiving came - i still have a family that depends on me to pull us together for the holidays.....I don't even remember planning our Thanksgiving - just remember going by the day before to see mom and she was not well - not well at all. Had to call an ambulance and she was admitted in the hospital. HOrrible infection - mean ER Doctor - "you realize your momma is 94 and she just might not make it" - but she's a spit fire.....and she pulled through it all. She really relished being in the hospital because she had daddy there by her side, and me....and for some reason the pain meds helped her remember - it was like old times. She was like the momma we knew years before. But once the pain medication was taken away, memory faded and the anger at being back at the retirement home was even worse. Back to auto-pilot. Mom's 95th birthday came in December. We didn't even think about taking her out for her birthday because taking her back was way too painful. We had a birthday party for her there. WE decorated the little library and family came and we had such a good time. Daddy so frail - but he was there. Momma beamed with her family around her. That was December. In late January mom had another infection - another ambulance - another admit to the hospital. This time she was so much worse. She was mentally okay for the first 4 days - but on a Wednesday, things drastically changed. She started talking about the past - she uttered these words and i KNEW...."i want a pretty dress - with lots of flowers" i knew she was talking about going home. And that was the day she made up her mind - she was going HOME. And for the next two weeks, we waited. I set up camp in her room with her. My niece came too and we had make shift beds....each taking turns sleeping in the "good bed". Michael tended to daddy.....i just had to be with momma. Then i get a call - DADDY is in the ER downstairs....heart problems. They admit my daddy and he's on the 4th floor....momma on the 8th. Auto-pilot for sure. Christ leads and carries - no other explanation for sanity at this point. Calls to my precious Aunt and Cousin in Arkansas....what do i do - how do i do it - asking for help, for prayer, for answers. Scared out of my mind....not wanting the moment to come when my precious momma takes her last breath but knowing it's going to happen - scared to leave because i want to be there. Every other day I would leave - for just an hour or so - i would go home to shower, to breath in the air outside - to be a part of the world outside my bubble. Michael would come and stay if Deana, my niece wasn't there. Someone was always with momma.....never once was she alone. As i drove home on those days i ventured out, a song would almost ALWAYS come on the radio.....i would turn it up so loud and roll down my windows and sing with all my heart - these words:
"Home"

Another summer day
Has come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home

May be surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
“I’m fine baby, how are you?”
Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

Another aeroplane
Another sunny place
I’m lucky, I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I’ve got to go home

Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
'Cause this was not your dream
But you always believed in me

Another winter day has come
And gone away
In even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I’m surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
Oh, let me go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

Let me go home
I’ve had my run
Baby, I’m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all be all right
I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home

I would sometimes change the words to "Lord, welcome her home" - it became my song for my momma.....i knew in my heart she wanted nothing more than to step into glory....to see Christ - to hold her momma and her daddy and her beloved brother that passed before her....to hold my cousin, Hoyt, who passed away WAY too early in his life......There are things that run through my mind right now and i can't go there.....things momma said to me while she was in that hospital those last 2 weeks....things that hurt me so bad....even tho this blogging helps me heal, i still can't go there. I know though, that my momma left this world knowing that she was loved beyond measure by her daughter....never a doubt that my love for her was bigger than both of us. Early on Sunday morning, February 20th, 7:35 i woke up and as usual, the first thing i did was look next to me and see momma's chest rise and fall - to be sure she was still there with us - i bent down and whispered to her that i was going to run get coffee and i would be right back. Deana was still sleeping soundly on the other side of her.....so i slipped outside - i was gone all of about 2 minutes and as i came back in, again looking to see the rise and fall of momma's chest and it wasn't there. I yelled for Deana....i yelled for the nurse....i grabbed her hand and realized she was gone. I believe i saw her last breath.....her death was so peaceful. Not one change in her facial expression. She slipped into glory so peacefully and for that I am so thankful. Deana and I held one another....we rejoiced in the fact that my precious momma was in heaven with our Lord. She didn't have to wonder who she was, where she was - she had the clarity of mind of her youth.....no pain....just joy. Precious Joy. Grandmother and Granddaddy Hatfield, Uncle Ogle, Hoyt - all there to great her. What JOY must have been on all of their faces. My momma saw Christ. He opened His arms and welcomed her HOME. And if i know my momma.....she was on to the mansion - getting it ready for all of us. She left this world on a Sunday morning.....did she enter heaven and join in the worship service pounding away on the heavenly piano? I can just see her now. And as i write this, my sweet daddy is by her side.....booming away in that beautiful voice of his - "How Great Thou Art" - All these memories because of a song.....on my ipod - as i walk. I listen closely to the words....each part of the song brings a different memory.....

May be surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh, I miss you, you know - i see my little momma.....sitting in the middle of others in that retirement home - surrounded by people - but so alone.....longing for HOME.....

And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
“I’m fine baby, how are you?”
Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough - all the memories of her love....for daddy, for me, for family - locked away in her mind - locked away by a horrible disease....but there....still there - and every once in awhile she would catch a glimpse.....

And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
'Cause this was not your dream
But you always believed in me - She must have often felt like she was living someone else's life....like she was looking from the outside into a life didn't understand.....and daddy couldn't understand - couldn't be inside that mind with her - none of us could - but each one of us, daddy more so than anyone - always believed in her.....always supported her.

Let me go home
I’ve had my run
Baby, I’m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all be all right
I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home - reminds me of the day she made up her mind....that Wednesday when words changed....when emotion changed - Baby she's done....she's had her run - but she's going home. And she's home now.....Home with our Lord. Home with my daddy by her side. HOME.

I miss you momma and I love you with all that's in me. Love, "your" cindy.

December 20, 2009 Today was our Christmas Day. My family, that i love and adore, gathered together in our home last night for Christmas Eve. I was given so many sweet gifts today, but i think the one i cherish the most is just that - my family, all under one roof, waking up on Christmas morning together. There were way too many gifts.....i am not sure it's good for any of us, because our giving was for sure in excess this year. I figured me out though - probably need a little counseling - but i did figure it all out - i give gifts and i search and fret over getting just the right thing....and I think i do it because i want to erase all the hurt with the gifts....i want to erase deceit and divorce and a deadbeat dad that left his family - i want to erase wives that cheat on their husbands......i want to erase the scars of divorce on my boys and my girls - all of them. It doesn't do it though - the gifts are unwrapped, boxes packed up and everyone's gone home - not sure one bit of those hurts were erased by a gift. I just hope and pray that the love in this house, in this room - with the help of our Heavenly Father - can mend and heal. I have to realize i can't buy the scars away.....but i can sure try and love them away! I am so blessed with this precious family - they will never know what they mean to me....never can know how much i love them - I am blessed beyond measure.

I was reminded too this day, as i lit the candles in my mom's candle holders that she has had for as long as i can remember.....How very much i miss our parents. Oh how momma loved this time of year! I can still remember as a child - in my bed, waiting for sleep to come - the lights outside my window burning green and red - and i can hear my parents and their friends singing Christmas hymns - momma playing the piano, daddy with his deep voice booming....oh how safe and secure i felt. How much love was in that house.....and i know now that there probably weren't very many gifts around that tree - not at all like we had today - but the love - the sweetness.....oh my, how blessed. I felt like the richest child on earth. And i was =)

And I am =)

I miss you more than i can say momma and daddy. I know your Christmas in heaven can't even be described....Michael's mom's first Christmas with you guys. All four are loved and missed so much. Big hugs to each of you. Love you with all of my heart!

Thankful.....sent to Angie on 9-11

On the way to work this morning, i heard the song by Maroon Five - don't know the actual name of it....i think it's "She will be loved" but the lyrics go:

See the girl with the broken smile,
ask her if she wants to stay a while -
and she will be loved....she will be loved.

another part says "i want to make you feel beautiful....."

Well, you know how certain songs are linked with certain memories and you just can't get them out of your head? Or your heart? Like Somewhere over the rainbow....
every single solitary time i hear the first notes of that song, a smile comes across my face and memories just flood....i re-live the engagement party every time i hear that song....that moment will always be embedded in my mind, in my heart..... and it just makes my heart SMILE so big....

Well, that maroon five song makes me oh so sad.....it hurts everytime i hear it and this morning, i was trying to turn that around....

One day, right after the break-up - and it was at a time when Chase was just devastated and i was so worried about him - so worried about Addylou.....we got Addy for a day or a weekend....i can't even remember what the occasion was - but we were in the car after picking her up - just me and papa and Addylou. Shawn got her a keyboard for Christmas i think it was and she had that keyboard in the car with her. I remember she was dressed in pink - and i am crying right now just remembering....back then she didn't smile much - she was very very quiet.....and she was scared and sad and it was written all over her little spirit. So here was this little, was she 3 then or 4 - i can't remember....but here's this precious little angel, sitting in her little carseat....so broken, so sad..... and she keeps hitting the button on that keyboard and those words come out...over and over again......."see the girl with the broken smile - ask her if she wants to stay a while - and she will be loved....she will be loved." It breaks my heart. I am sitting here at my desk just crying.....those words make me feel what Addison was going through....makes me feel what Chase was going through....it makes me remember the heartache, the loss....the fear, the insecurity....

BUT......

Then came along a precious angel named Angie.....and Addison IS so very loved.  Her little heart has turned around and oh what a happy child she is!  Thank you, Angie, for the difference you have made in their lives....in our lives.....for mending our hearts together even stronger than we ever thought they could be. I love you sweet girl!

Heard a song today on my afternoon walk.....my take:

Michael, How long do you want to be loved?

Is forever enough, is forever enough?

How long do you want to be loved

Is forever enough

Cause I'm never, never giving you up

As long as you travel in this troubled world -

is forever enough? Is forever enough?

As long as you travel in this troubled world,

You'll be loved forever by this blue-eyed girl -

yes, loved forever by this blue-eyed girl.

Love you Michael Lane Corley