The little things.....

Sitting back tonight remembering yesterday and today.....times spent with two of the loves of my life.

Haley and Hayden came to stay the night with us last night - Chase was working late and Angie was running a 1/2 marathon with Moe this morning......so just a sweet time to have my babies come and stay.  I must say, they are so very special.

Haley is growing up so fast.  I still remember the very first time i met her - and oh my goodness, how the time has flown.  She is just beautiful inside and out.  I am so very proud of her.  We found out yesterday that she has been invited to attend Leadership Camp for Sky Ranch next summer.  It's quite an honor - there will be only 50 there in Colorado next June/July.  Haley is growing so much in her relationship with the Lord and i am just so very proud of the young woman she's becoming.  I couldn't love this little girl one bit more if she had my blood running through her veins.  She's mine.....totally and i love her so very much.  Haley and i had fun watching all the reality shows - The X Factor.....Shark Tank.......i love to hear her laugh and when she does, those blue eyes flash......she's such a sweetheart.  I know most times she would much rather be with her friends.....but she's so sweet to come and stay with us.  I love spending time with her - she makes me laugh.

Oh my goodness.....and then there's that sweet little blue-eyed boy.....

Oh my goodness, be still my heart!  Here he is with Allie - or as he calls her "aya" - I was so surprised at how much he's talking now!  My fear was he would tell me things and i wouldn't be able to understand him....but Angie said not to worry.....just tell him what you think he's staying and he will tell you if you are right or wrong.  Luckily only a couple of times did i have trouble - and Haley was a big help - in face she said "i am really being a good interpreter for Hayden"!

So many funny things happened during their stay.  There's a rule i have at Mimi and Papa's - one is what happens at Mimi and Papa's stays at Mimi and Papa's.....and another rule is - we MUST stay up late!  Too much fun to have to go to bed early.  That usually hasn't applied for Hayden, but last night it did.  I kept staying "I think it's time for you to be nite nite boy" - and his quick reply was "no nite nite"...he was so good and just played with his Truck Trucks, his Bye Bye's and an elmo bus.  He spend the evening putting blocks in the bus and then driving them around - then taking them all out.....only to put them back in again.  If he sees an iPhone or an iPad his first words are "I see?" - and if he gets close enough it's "i do!"  And boy can that little one work an iphone or ipad.  It's amazing!  Last night as he played with his toys, a storm was brewing outside......and soon it started hailing and hitting the dining room window- the thunder and lightening boomed and lit up the sky - i watched Hayden.....he stopped what he was doing and stared at the window at the top of our front door......he stared for just about a minute and then he got up so quickly and came running to me.....he had such a scared look on his face.  For the rest of the night - even tho the storm came and went, he kept his eye on that front door.....and he didn't leave my lap!  I hate for him to be scared.....but oh my, how sweet to hold my baby boy.  I kept telling him it was okay.....that we were safe.....i told him it was just thunder and i said "thunder, you go away!" - the rest of the night if even a little rumble came, he would arch those eyebrows and look at me and say "funder go way!  He stayed up with us until about 10:30.....when it was truly time to be nite nite boy, he was so precious......he didn't fuss one bit!  We went upstairs and read a book - it was a dora dora scavenger hunt book and he amazed me at all the things he knew......my goodness, he's so smart!  He saw a number "2" written and he said "there's a 2" - well yes sir little man......you are right!  We got to the end and he said "again" - but i told him it was very late and we need to say our prayers and be nite nite boy.  He held me tight as i prayed......just prayed and prayed for that sweet boy....and then he hugged but big and as i put him into his bed i told him to get a good night sleepers and we would wake up in the morning and play - he just laid down his sweet head, grabbed his sippy cup and put a hand on his firetruck and said "tay" - which is his way of saying "okay" - my heart just about melted!

The next morning, he didn't wake up until 9:15!!!!  And that's unheard of!  I woke up before he did and i went into his room and just sat and watched him sleep.....Haley was sleeping in too so i thought i would just take that time and say some prayers and wait for him to wake up.  Pretty soon his eyes opened and he looked around kind of like "oh yeah.....i'm at mimi and papa's" - but when he saw me, he got the biggest grin on his face and he's up for the day!

One of the first things he wants when he gets up is "choc moo moo" - this little boy LOVES chocolate milk!  He's not a really good eater, so when he says to me "Mimi, choc moo moo pease?" I told him we would have to wait until after breakfast.....and then offered to let him help me make the eggs.....i already had cinnamon rolls in the oven -

He was such a good helper.  I got him the little stool i have used for Addy and Avery and set him at the counter.....first i had to crack the eggs into the bowl.....he watched me do the first one and he said "me do?" - so i handed him and egg and helped him tap it on the counter.....but i couldn't catch him before he put it over the bowl and squeezed.....egg and eggshell goes everywhere - luckily all into the bowl but he looks at me with this awful look on his face and goes "EWWWWWWW!" oh my - he didn't like that egg on his hands!  Needless to say he didn't say "me do" for that part anymore!  Once we got the egg shell out of the bowl we dumped them into the pan.  He loved stirring the eggs and being mimi's helper.  I had sausage cooking in another pan on the stove and he kept pointing and saying "mimi....no"i am guessing he doesn't like sausage - so i ask him if i could fix him bacon - no.....and he points to the cinnamon rolls.....quite a few times he pointed to the cinnamon rolls!  Once i got his breakfast on the table, he was quick to crawl up in his chair - i told him we needed to say the prayer and right away he bowed his little head and put his hands up under his chin.....he's SO serious during the paryer......he always keeps his eyes closed tight and he doesn't budge until someone says "amen" - then he says "AMEN!" - I just pray dear Lord that you take that precious little life and do GREAT things with him as he grows......i pray that he loves You Lord so very much....early in his life and that many will come to know You because of him.....you know....since he was just a TINY thing - he's always just seemed to KNOW when the prayer is being said.  It's like nobody every had to tell him to bow his head and be serious and quite.....he just did it.  To my surprise, the first bite he takes is the eggs.....maybe he wanted to taste of what he cooked =)  But he had trouble getting all the bites on the fork.....so i reached over and helped him get some on his fork....."tan tu" he would tell me.  "more pease" and so the pattern was set....i would get a bite on his fork and he would ALWAYS tell me "tan tu".  Angie told me she wasn't having to prompt him with his manners anymore.....he even says "tuse me" if he needs to get by in a tight squeeze!  He ate an awesome breakfast.

Shortly after he got down and started playing he asked me "mimi, choc moo moo pease?".  Angie dilutes his chocolate milk and i was doing the same.  The night before i put about 1/2 and 1/2 but this morning i put even less chocolate milk and mostly regular milk....i handed him his sippy cup.....he tucked it under his arm as he usually does and off he goes.  Shortly he comes back to me and says "Mimi?  Bad Choc moo moo!"  Guess i didn't get the mix right =)

This little boy just melts my heart......He's SO very sweet.  I love that everything he says is a double....Dora Dora, truck truck, bye byes - i wish i could take the last 24 hours and bottle them up and open them over and over......just blessings in my life.....when they say Mimi.....my heart just overflows with a love like no other......

My heart is full.

More memories.....

Addison......in a diaper, no top, just a diaper....she's probably around 3 - she has on those plastic dress up shoes - the ones with the pink feathers on them - and she has a purse on her arm.....those big brown eyes flashing - and i ask her "Addison, where are you going?" - she gives me this PRECIOUS look and blinks those brown eyes at me and say "Oh MIMI.......i go ¨CHOPPING!"

Shawn - around 4 - he's been to Bible School and apparently they talked about tithing - because he asks me that afternoon how God gets the money they give at church......so i go into this huge explanation about how, through the church, God uses that money to help others.....well he goes back in his room for a while and then he comes back in the kitchen where i am cooking dinner and he tells me "momma, He dropped it" - i said "What Shawn?" "He dropped it momma!" - and he's holding the little church bank they made that day in Bible School.....he holds it out to me and says "I gave it to God and HE dropped it!? - okay, so i am seeing what has happened.....he has his money for God in his little church and since God takes the money and THROUGH the church He uses it to help others - Shawn held that church up to God and he let go......I want that kind of faith!

Chase - around age 3 - sitting on the floor in my momma's kitchen, licking the beaters from a cake she's making......Chase - "Mema, do you know what my momma and daddy do after we go to bed at night?????" - my mom, horrified....thinking oh my gosh, what in the world......and then Chase says "They eat ICE CREAM! "

I am helping Avery write a book.....we are going to mail it in and the Discovery Kids company publishes it and makes it into a book....well, she makes up this story about big bug and little bug (because Shawn calls her little bug and she calls him Big bug" and this tree named "Bigoldtree" - and int he story there this fairy named Caroline and Caroline comes to see Big bug and Little bug in a "Poof" she appears - she tells me the entire story and then we get into the illustrations and writing on the pages the company has provided. She starts to illustrate page 8 and she draws this fairy down in one corner of the box where the illustrations go.....the fairy is very small and much of the box is blank so i say "Avery, look at all this space - do you want to draw something here?" - "Oh yes, Mimi....i am going to draw her poop" - "Avery, WHAT did you say?" "Her poop, i am going to draw her poop" - "Avery Grace Corley - you are going to draw POOP??????" oh my, Avery starts laughing so hard she's crying......"NOOOOOOOO, MIMI, her POOF!!!!" - I had forgotten all about her "Poof" - we laughed until tears rolled down our cheeks.

Addylou - it's Thanksgiving and Hillary and Jason are visiting us for Thanksgiving.....we are all gathered around the table having Thanksgiving dinner......okay, so Addison sometimes takes things literally......i mean LITERALLY. So she comes over to my chair and she whispers in my ear "Mimi, Uncle Shawn told me that Jason has two brains - does he really?" and she puts her face RIGHT in front of my face so she can look in my eyes - Oh my.....i am laughing just thinking of it. She wanted the TRUTH!!

Okay, so this is the sweetest......When Chase was 8 years old, he was saved. He asked Jesus into his heart and he was so excited. I guess i need to say that part first......it was during a revival - and Chase and Shawn were sitting in the pew with us and Chase was right next to me.....this night he fidgeted and just wouldn't be still. All of a sudden i feel this tap on my shoulder.....i lean over and tell him to "listen" - and he hands me this piece of paper.....on the paper it says, among all the little drawings and notes between he and Shawn, "tonight God told me it was time to be saved, but i was afraid" - OH MY GOSH.....the moment a parent dreams about.....i asked him if he understood what that meant and did he want to go forward at the end of the service and he said "do i have to say the prayer?" He meant the big prayer for everyone......at the end of church. Oh my.....what a precious moment in our lives.....and i have that note hanging in my closet this very moment.....if we ever had to leave the house quickly, it's one of the things i would grab first.....okay, so fast forward a few weeks - the four of us are in our living room and the weather is AWFUL.....warnings are running across the bottom of the TV - parents are calling to be sure we are okay - it's really scary......Chase takes Shawn to the sliding glass door to look at the weather and tells Shawn...."Shawn, you need Jesus NOW - You need to ask him into your heart RIGHT THIS MINUTE.....we might not be here tomorrow!" Evangelism at the age of 8! But the precious part.....he was SO concerned about his brother......SO like Chase.

Don't forget the night i feel asleep in the chair in the game room....it was light when i fell asleep but pitch dark when i was awakened by a knock at the back door......a policemen had Shawn in tow.....caught him inside the fence at the day care across the alley.

Oh and then there's the time Chase was spending the night with Robert Fermosa.....Michael and i are awakened by a phone call.....okay so Chase is probably 8 - 9 at the most......and the call is from the Mesquite Police!!!! They have Chase on LongShadow Lane and need us to come and get him. We hurry and throw clothes on and drive around the corner. The headlights shine on the police car and there's this LONG neck with nothing but blonde curls everywhere......Robert is so short you can't see his head....but Chase you can see clearly.....caught knocking out Christmas lights in some man's yard!!!

Shawn singing Christmas carols when he was 3 - "Then one froggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say......"

Okay.....more later.

time with a sweet baby boy....

March 2012.....5 days and nights with my sweet Hayden Michael.....oh my goodness, what precious times! These are the things that will stick in my heart and in my mind.....the "o" face when he's surprised or just a bit afraid.....that sweet little grin and the dimple in his chin....flying kites with papa (and don't forget the first kite wasn't big enough or bad enough and we found papa calling stores to find the "bad boy" kite the very next morning =), picnics and "in and out" burgers, green peas and roly poly bugs, saying "bye bye and waving to his plate at dinner time... the way he loves juice, when it's night night boy time, the way he put his head on my shoulder and held me so tightly..... singing Jesus loves Hayden, Jesus loves the little children, and Sunshine on my shoulder and running my fingers through his curls - and the time i wasn't running my fingers through his curls and he did it so i would remember to do that =) (he loves that JUST like his daddy did at that age) ....the way he says "hi Allie" and waves at her.....the way he learned to ride the wiggle racer - he learned if you start at the top of the drive way on the hill and then put your feet up in the air you go really fast - will never forget the look of pure joy on his face as he raced down the hill.....the "Chase face" when i put him in the baby swing and started the swing.....he gritted his teeth and his eyes got so big.....JUST like his daddy on the big boat ride at Six Flags when he bit off more fear than he could chew...the way he wouldn't taste pudding.....told me NO NO NO and shook his head, but when a little bit touched his mouth, he did a double take and pulled the spoon to his mouth....after that, he couldn't shovel it in fast enough! The way he went up the HUGE 12 foot slide, all by himself - he got to the top and i ran around to the bottom of the slide and saw his face right before he came down the slide....pure joy.....a grin from ear to ear and he couldn't wait to do it again! He giggled all the way down the slide too.... Playing hide and seek (aka pop pay aka peek-a-boo) with him and the way he would stand in the doorway peeking into the room and craning his neck to see if mimi was there....his giggle when he would find me.....the way he calls me Mimi and the way he calls papa.....melts our hearts...saying "i love you" - pointing to his "eye" for the "I" and hugging himself so tightly for the "Love" and then pointing big for the "You" - Mimi taught him that =) .....the way every once in a while in the car he would just say "mimi, papa" - it was like he was enjoying his time with his mimi and papa and he just wanted to say our names....brushing his teeth with big people toothpaste and the way he loved the taste and the way he looked at me when i brushed his teeth.....getting up every morning hungry and pointing at the bananas.....finding sticks from the weeping willow tree next door and playing with them for the longest time.....he's all boy.....feeding the ducks at City Lake park - and talking about "duck ducks" for the next 2 days......loving trucks and every time he sees one, he has to tell us all about the "da druck" - seeing the cows and the way he says 'MOOOOOOOOO" , the way he calls dogs "woof woofs"....the sweet way he does itsy bits spider....teaching him "the wheels on the bus" and the way he does the babies go waaa, waaa, waaaa - he thought that was so funny......shoveling mac and cheese with his hands when he couldn't get it on the fork....bath time and the sweet smell of him fresh from the bath.....the way he spreads his toes out big when you first take off his shoes and socks.....oh and the way he says "shoes" so quickly....papa thinking he was too young for kites and kind of making fun of me for wanting to plan so many things for us to do.....and then papa coming up with one plan after another =)...the gentleman's kiss - be still my heart...hugging and kissing Allie good morning.....hugging and kissing Allie after he had been in time out for hitting her......telling Allie "sorry"....seeing pictures of momma and dada and sissies and calling them by name as he walked past.....skinned knees from all the falls when he was running and playing - and the way he would come to me so i could kiss it....the laughter when i would push him big on the new pillow pet racer we got him for inside the house.....picking flowers.....the look on his face when i would do something new - like running through the weeping willow tree branches hanging to the ground - this look would come across his face - he would stand for just a bit and think about it and then he would run as fast as he could and join me.....the day we were late getting lunch because we had a showing of the house and looking back in the car seat seeing Hayden chewing on something.....when i asked him what it was, he reached down, WAY down into his carseat crease and pulled up old crumbs.....oh bad Mimi for letting you wait so long for lunch! The way he would point and grin when i walked in to get him from his nap or first thing in the morning.....the way he would point and say "ohhhhhh" - So many memories of this sweet time with Hayden one on one. Times like that don't happen often and i want to treasure every single minute and hold tight to each little memory. As i write, i miss him so. We are so blessed to have this sweet little boy in our lives. Thank you God for Hayden Michael Corley. This Mimi prays so hard that your Holy Spirit will guide Hayden and touch his heart at an early age and that Hayden will do great things in his lifetime for YOU Lord. He's a precious gift. Thank you for the time we could spend getting to know each and every little part of him...... how i am just in awe of Your love for us and the way you created each of us so uniquely and perfectly. Being a Mimi is the best.....no rushing around or work to get in the way of spending 15 minutes watching roly poly bugs......no hurries as we played with sticks......getting to sit down with him and watch him enjoy toys and lunch and nature and life. I can never thank you enough Lord for all the blessings of my life! My family.....oh Lord, my family.......thank You for each of them! I pray that each one of us can magnify You in all that we do in our lives....our offering to You sweet Lord.
p.s. one more memory from the weekend before. I was helping a friend give a baby shower.....tons of people crowded her living room as Angie walked in with Hayden in her arms. I saw the look of surprise on his little face as he scanned the room and saw so many faces he didn't recognize....but then, his eyes locked with mine and the look on that sweet baby boy's face when he saw me. I will never forget that look. He loves me so much. His arms reached out and his eyes smiled so big.....and the grin he had was from ear to ear. Blessings in my life.

sweetest things.....

another thing i don't ever want to ever forget......Angie and Chase took a little vacation to Mexico and Mimi and Papa went to Frisco to stay with Hayden and Haley......oh my goodness, i am not used to chasing around a 1 1/2 year old all day! But some of the SWEETEST times ever with that sweet baby boy! Waking up with him is the BEST....of course i remember the same thing with Addy and Avery - such precious memories i have waking up with those two little girls! Okay, so the first morning, i hear Hayden on the monitor - as i walk in the room, he's standing up in his bed hanging on to the rail - he grins that precious little grin at me and then he starts making a "kissing" noise - he's calling Allie! I guess he's heard me do it and he was calling her. Oh how he loves that dog! He chases her around, gives her sugar on her nose.....pulls her fur for all he's worth - but she's a good sport and never a peep out of her....well with the exception of two times when he pulled her tail really hard.....i heard a little growl. We spent a lot of time outside.....and he picked tiny little flowers and handed them to me, one by one. Oh little boys know how to win their mimi's heart! Now here's the thing that melted me......changing Hayden's diaper is like wrestling a cat in a bag.....he's twisting and turning from the moment you lay him down.....it's REALLY hard......so, Angie started singing to him. For some reason, as you start singing, he calms down and listens. (oh and i must say, he loves to sing itsy bitsy spider and he does the little motions with his hands....it's so sweet). So it's close to Halloween and Angie has this cute little song about five little pumpkins that she sings to him, but i can't remember all the words so i sing the ABC song.....and it works! Okay, so the melting part - one afternoon i take him to the changing table and lay him down - all ready with my song and all - but Hayden is SO still......he isn't twisting....no turning.....and he's looking me straight in the eye. All of a sudden, with this sweet little soft voice, HE starts singing! I can't understand ONE word but its the sweetest sound ever.....and if that's not enough, he reaches up with his little hands and he starts doing the spider climb.....oh i want to bottle that moment and visit it often......it was one of the sweetest moments ever and i just melted. Oh how i loved my time with that little boy.....God's blessings are so precious....my grandchildren are some of His sweetest! Thank you Lord for the sweet blessings in my life!

Little Things

Just the other day i was reminded about something Avery told me.....and i had forgotten it. I don't want to forget it - ever.....i wish to goodness i could remember every little thing - about every ordinary little day- but that's not possible - but i thought i would write down a few of the little things....little things i want to keep forever.

Avery and Shawn joined "Indian Princesses" - she was so excited (she was six at the time) and telling me all about what they were going to get to do - "Mimi, we get to go CAMPING! and we get to sleep in CABINETS...." i said "Cabinets - well where will the daddies sleep?" - "oh they will sleep in cabinets TOO!"

Haley was staying with us while Chase and Angie were in MExico.....she was telling me "Mimi, if my husband to be isn't a football player, guess what he's going to be?" "Hummmm," i am thinking "Not sure Hay" - "A COWBOY - and here's his picture" - she shows me on her phone this beautiful guy decked in jeans and a cowboy hat.....i tell her "As long as he loved the Lord Hay" - and just a moment later, she looks at me and says these words "I can promise you that, Mimi!"

Addy was about 5 - Kindergarten i guess - and Chase took her to school that morning. When he picked her up that afternoon, she was so excited to tell him that the "drag dogs" came to school that day. Chase questioned her "Addy, did you say DRAG dogs?"
"yes daddy and they talked to us about the drag dogs" - then chase remember seeing the sign that morning when he dropped her off....."DRUG dogs will be here today" - we all laughed so hard thinking what in the world could have been going through Addy's little mind with drag dogs? Dogs that just drag around all day????? Out of the mouths of babes.

When Avery and Shawn lived with us - Halloween was approaching. Avery wanted to help me "decorate" - she was around 3 or 4.....we were going through Mimi's things, pulling out pumpkins and such - and then Avery tells me "Mimi, i have a GREAT idea!" She knew something we could "make" that was just the best thing ever! She tried to explain it to me - "mimi, you get a bowl and you cut a hole in it....then you get a glub and you put the glub through the hole and if anyone gets the candy you "grab them" - soooo her excitement grows and she says "mimi, do you have a bowl?" - i get an old plastic bowl - "and now i need a glub" - "a glub?????" "Yes, Mimi....you have glubs" - realizing she needs a GLOVE - i go and get a ski glove - 'Oh NO!" Avery laughs...."Mimi - i need a RUBBER GLUB" - Now i am getting the entire picture.....we find a rubber "glub" and we cut the hole in the bowl....and we put our hand up through the bowl and put candy in it. And then we scare Papa when he trys to get a bite =) I ask this little wisp of a girl where she came up with this idea......"Martha Stewart Halloween Mimi!" - like of COURSE you should know where this idea came from!

When Chase was little, about 3, we had spinach for dinner. That night he got sick and threw up all over his bed and the floor (and i must say that was the WORST thing i think i have ever cleaned up) - that night in his prayers "....and dear God, please don't let spinach come out my nose EVER again!" - and i must say - it never has.....because he won't eat it!

Shawn, age 2 or so, was down for his afternoon nap.....i heard him yelling at me from his room so i ran in - "Momma!!!! My TUMMY is TALKING!!!!" - and sure enough....it was growling like crazy =)

Shawn was with me at a department store - he was around 3. As we walked in, he saw the big "ICEE display" and immediately wanted one. I told him not right then - we would get one after we shopped. As we went through the store, he begged to get out of the cart.....i agreed but told him he must stay right beside me. As i shopped, i turned to see him every minute - just to be sure he was right beside me. Well, a turned to look and no Shawn. I panicked.....freaking out i start calling his name....louder and louder. Then i remembered the Icee display and ran that way.....there sat Shawn on the counter with a salesperson.....i ran up to him and said "Shawn Michael Corley! " - the lady said "What did you call him?" "Shawn Corley" and she said "we were just about to make an announcement for the mother of Jimmy Concogley to come to the front" - Now why Shawn decided to change his name at the age of 3 i will never know!

One day Chase came home from day care with a HUGE bite mark on his shoulder - AGAIN. Carolyn, the biter had left a HUGE mark.....Chase told me "momma, you know what miss apple to me do?" - "What Chase?" "She told me bite Carolyn" - oh my i thought...."Chase, did you bite Carolyn?" - "Oh NOOOOOOOOOO, i not bite Carolyn - you know what Miss Apple do? She BIT Carolyn!" That night in his prayers, Chase blessed his family, his friends....and started naming them....God bless momma, and daddy and shawn and memaws and pepaws and Adrian and Carolyn" LONG pause - then "No, not Carolyn.....she BITES!"

Never want to forget the way shawn said "goggie" or hairpoos or t-tubbers......gosh, can we go back??

More to come......thank you Lord for this precious life you have given me.....and all the memories.

memories......

As far back as i can remember, my daddy was bigger than life to me. At 6 ft. 5 inches, he stands tall in every memory i have - but not just because of his stature. My daddy had a heart as big as Texas and everyone that knew him loved him and knew how special he was. Today, i am cleaning out my closet and i am finding little memories......i tuck them away just like you did daddy. I found an email from Michael - written years ago that said "Today i told God how very much i love you and appreciate you - and i love you so much" - so unlike my hubby to send me that, which makes it all the sweeter. Also found copies of emails from Chase - written years ago also, telling me how much he appreciates growing up in a family that loves because now, as a father and a husband, he loves with that same magnitude - so LIKE Chase to send notes like that, but just a few i copied and kept. Folded, creased, and stained - i took them and put them in a safe place. I got that from you daddy. I still have boxes of your things and momma's things to go through - there's just so much of that emotion i can take at one time....still the memories, altho sweet, are so painful.....because i miss you both so much. One sweet thing i found from you......and i remember this time so well....Father's Day was approaching, and as i often did, i purchased your Father's Day card WAY in advance.....i would look for one that said exactly what was in my heart.....well, as the day got closer, i found another card - it was just perfect....so, that year, you had two Father's Day cards. I decided i would give you one with your gift - and the other one i would tuck away under your pillow so you could find it that night before you went to bed. We came to visit you and momma that day.....and i slipped back into your bedroom and hid the card for you. Fast forward to a few years later......you and momma are safely in heaven and i am going through boxes of "memories" you have collected over the years......Many are cards you have saved - and i do mean you saved some cards! I found cards from when i was a little bitty girl - momma signed them for me.....and then, cards with my sloppily printed "love, cindy" with the "e" backwards....- i read each and every one (and i must say, i saved every single one!) .....then i ran across the one i had tucked under your pillow. I opened it up and was surprised to find a sticky note inside. In your handwriting, i began to read.....and tears ran down my cheeks. You wrote a note saying "what a sweet surprise i had this evening. Cindy put this card under my pillow so i would find it tonight. What a sweet and precious daughter we have. I thank the Lord for her life and her love for me" - the thought.....that you took time to write that note.....and to me.....you wrote it so i would find it years later. A reminder of how much my daddy loved me. So many memories daddy - you packed them away and if i know you, you went through them often and just "loved and remembered". Well, your daughter does the very same thing! Oh my, the kids will have a hay day some day when we are gone. I hope they will look back and see the little notes and remembrances and know how very much THEY were loved too. I miss you and momma so much daddy. Every now and then i just ask God to give you a big old hug for me. I know heaven must be so beautiful and perfect. I just wonder if momma plays the piano and you sing with that low booming voice of yours. "How Great Thou Art" has never sounded as beautiful as when you sang it - and momma played it.

I have a friend that is going through a really rough time right now with her momma. Her little momma is so sick and hurting and it just makes me think of the times we had at the end of yours and mommas lives. As i read in the previous blog "Home", i realized i wrote about momma's passing......but i never have written about yours. Altho it's so painful, it helps sometimes to remember how God carried us through it - and also, someday, i want the boys to remember.....

You were SO sick at the end of momma's life......in fact, through your entire life, you had so many times when you were hospitalized with BAD things.....like when you got sick over in Venezuela - you nearly died.....i was too young to remember that time. But then when i was 16, and we thought you had a heart attack - but it turned out to be really bad low blood sugar.....i still remember that day when the ambulance came and rushed you to the hospital - it scared me SO bad. I prayed all night long and made bargains with God to just let you be okay. God was SO good to us - he gave you and momma a LONG life together and really, altho we had some scary times as i mentioned, you had GOOD times....oh my goodness, all the vacations, all the trips to Arkansas, Canada, New England - we traveled all over, you and me and momma. Of course momma made it perfect at home - she took such good care of us and you went to work each day and provided for our family - I consider my childhood to be perfection.....we were never rich by any means, at least financially.....but we were rich in love and happiness. At 80 years old, you had open heart surgery......i will never forget seeing you after the surgery, as they wheeled you up to ICU, I was scared to death because you looked awful. A little while later, they left us in ICU to see you and you had that big old cord down your throat helping you breath.....you looked me in the eye and mouthed to me "I'm gonna lick this thing!" and lick it you did daddy. That night, momma and i came in to see you once more before i took her home - they had you sitting up in a chair by your bed. I couldn't believe it. You had MAJOR surgery that morning.....a heart valve replacement.....and now you were sitting in a chair. I will never forget walking in and seeing you because you had a grin the size of Texas on your sweet face......you were "giddy" and i think it's because you were so worried that you wouldn't make it through the surgery. On the way home that night, little momma sitting beside me in the car, she looks at me and says "You know Cindy.....i think your daddy has a drinking problem" - oh my gosh, it was all i could do not bust out laughing! She said "yes, i think that's why he's in that place" - Momma took your smiles and laughter to mean you were drunk! I told her "no, momma.....daddy is not drinking....he's had major surgery and i tell you what momma, he's just HAPPY to be here! SO many sweet memories during your hospital stay. Deana came and stayed with momma for 5 days and i stayed night and day with you.....i just camped out in your hospital room and those are some of the sweetest memories i have daddy......late night talks......we did crosswords together.....just so many sweet memories. Once i knew you would be okay during the night, i sent Deana home and i stayed with momma for 2 weeks while you were in the hospital and rehab.....momma and i would get up really early in the morning and we would head to the hospital.....we would stay all day long and then come home late in the evening. She was a trooper.....and even then her Alzheimer's was rearing it's ugly head pretty good. One evening, you were having some problems and i didn't want to leave.....we stayed LATE.....momma had been up ALL day long and into the night. As we were driving home late that night, she says to me "Cindy, is he "taken'? I said "What momma?" and she asked me again "Is he taken? Because i LOVE him.....and just as soon as he gets out of that hospital, we are going to get married! John is going to marry us (who by the way is who did marry you) and i was wondering if you think the Lord would mind if i brought him home once they let him leave?" - I laughed and said "momma.....you and daddy have been married over 55 years......you are already married!" She looked at me and said "We are?????? Well hot diggity then, the Lord won't care if i bring him home!" There was a time right after you got home from having the surgery......i had gone back to work and i got a phone call....you told me "something is wrong - very wrong" - that you were feeling weak and that you couldn't make it. I threw the phone down at work - and i made it to your house in 7 minutes.....that's from Mesquite to Dallas.....and all the way i am calling 911. When i get there, the ambulance is there and telling me they need to take you in - I left mom with the neighbors until Michael could get here and then i rode with you in the ambulance. You really didn't think you were going to make it that day. You told me how much you loved me.....how precious i was to you......and i told you the same. Scared to death, praying like crazy all the way to the hospital. We get there, and they can't find one thing wrong! We ended up going home that night and you never had that feeling again! Thank you Lord. That was such a hard time for us all.....you had the surgery on May 1st of 2000......we went to rehab all that summer.....and then my hero daddy did a 5K with me in September!!!! You amazed me daddy. I remember too, they let you cut the rope to start the race. 3 1/2 months after open heart surgery and you do a 5K! That's MY daddy!! Another time....this time momma was in the hospital - she fell and hurt her back. I spent the night with her in the hospital and that evening, when Michael started to take you home, she said "Ray, i don't want you to leave" - i assured her that you would be right back in the morning......well, the next morning, the nurse was in doing stuff with mom's IV etc, and in you walk......momma looked up and got the biggest grin on her face and said "There's MY Ray" - you walked over to her.....and you bent that long lanky body down and kissed her on the lips - a quick little kiss - and you stood back up. Momma said "you come here" and she pulled your head down to her and she laid a kiss on you....a LONG one.....and when you bent back up she said "That's what i'm talking about" - oh my gosh, i thought the nurse was going to bust a gut. It was SOOOO sweet. It wasn't until the end of your life that you started having really bad problems. With momma, it was the Alzheimer's.....and it really didn't start getting bad until about 2 years before she died. The last year was awful - and you insisted on staying in your home and keeping momma there with you. I respected your wishes, but as i look back, i just wonder if i could have made changes that would have helped? Momma was sweet as she could be part of the time that last year.....but when her mind "left" - she was abusive to you and to herself - and it took a toll on you. That last year, i didn't make a move without my cell phone because you often had to call me to come and help you calm her down. Sometimes there was nothing left to do but take her home with me.....but as soon as we left, she wanted her "Ray" - so many times i would keep her in the den while you would go and change your clothes, sneak out the front door and come in the back - where she was used to you coming in, and she would tell you "Ray Beard....don't you ever leave me again!"....we did that for a while, but then she caught on and it didn't work anymore. You got a horrible case of shingles.....the hurt from it never ever went away. Between momma losing it and the shingles, your health declined to a point i didn't know what we were going to do. We hired a lady to come in and be there during the day, but you weren't happy with her. Momma liked her just fine.....but you didn't want her there. One day you had a stroke....i was rolling momma's hair and you were working in the yard.....i looked up to see you trying to get in the back door and your face was drawn....you couldn't talk......i rushed you to the chair and reached for the phone to call 911 and in broken speech that i could hardly understand, you told me "don't call 911....it will go away" - that telling me that you have had these episodes before and just haven't told me! Well, one time in my life, i didn't listen to you and i called 911. The ambulance came and you ended up walking yourself to the ambulance. We never figured out what caused it.....

But as your pain grew worse from shingles, and momma's bouts got worse, we all realized we had to do something. Non of us could handle her outbursts anymore - it was dangerous....to her and to you. I would go to your house each day after work (i had to try and hold down my job because our insurance was through my work) and you would come to the door WHITE with pain. Your entire face just white as a sheet.....I searched and searched for a place for momma....where she would be safe and close by and loved.....finally i found the Buckner Retirement home Alzheimer's Unit.....gosh just remembering all this.....this is one of the parts where God carried me. I could never have done this in a thousand years.......i had sworn i would never see either one of you in a nursing home......but with threats to kill you and to kill herself.....i didn't have another answer. I took her over one day for an evaluation.....as we went in, she was just fine.....they took her back and asked her some questions....didn't let me go. They walked her back out and i could tell by the look on her face, she was ANGRY. As we got in the car, momma told me "By golly, you better not EVER bring me to this place again and if you even THINK about me coming here to live, you have another thing coming!" It was awful. Oh my, i prayed and prayed and prayed.....i had friends praying hard too.....i went and got beautiful things to fix her room there....pictures of our family everywhere.....beds and rugs and towels and things all in pink - and then the day came....i dreaded it so bad.....i honestly didn't know how i was going to do it. The Grishams came and parked out front so that the minute we left, they could come in and swoop you up in their arms and love on your broken heart..........as we drove up to the retirement home, momma looked at it and said "you know.....i have been here before" - Michael and i looked at each other and prepared ourselves for the onslaught - but then these words "You know, the people here were SO very nice....in fact, i hated to leave" - Now if that's not God i don't know what is! That is answered prayer......God was RIGHT there with us. He knew i would break if momma did......He knew it. The nurses met us at the door and we walked in.....we looked around......and then i took momma back to her room. She looked around the room and nodded......then i asked her to sit on the bed. We sat down and i told her "momma, you know how sick daddy is right now, right?" She nodded yes......"And momma there are times when you tell me you don't want to live there anymore - that you want to live somewhere else. Well i got to thinking, that maybe just for a while it would be better for us to let daddy have some rest so he can get better......and you asked me to find you a place to live and i found this beautiful place momma....it's right around the corner from daddy....and it's not far from me.....and just for a little while, i think it would be a good place for you to stay until daddy gets better and stronger" - Her head was down.....and i saw her chin quiver.....God don't let me break i prayed - she looked at me and said "Does Ray know?" - i told her yes, Ray knows and it's breaking his heart to be apart, but his health is so bad, we have to let him rest...... - she did so good......well, that day she did good. That evening was another story, but as the nurses worked with her, she got better. Now, i thought as you got stronger you would go and see her everyday.....but i was surprised to know you didn't. As i look back, i think it's because you couldn't bare it. I went everyday.....i would leave work, go by and get you dinner and visit, and then i would go see momma. I pretty much neglected my family that last year.....but they understood completely.....Michael was WONDERFUL. Many nights he met me at the door with a glass of wine in hand and open arms. I honestly don't know how i physically made it through all that. Well, yes i do. God gave me the strength....emotionally AND physcially. Your health didn't improve......it slowly declined. You never lost your spirit - you kept trying as hard as you could.....but i could see your little body just getting worse and worse. When momma died....you were in the hospital too. We didn't know what was wrong until the week of momma's funeral - that's when we found out you had lymphoma. I don't think it sank in that you had cancer until months later. Even though the doctor we went to see was an oncologist and that he mentioned you would have to take chemo - in pill form - you never ever mentioned the word cancer....and because you didn't, neither did i. After momma died, you still tried your hardest to keep going. You would take your chemo pills and at the same time they gave you high doses of steroids.....oh how i loved the steroids because when taking them, you ate like a horse and you would even get out and walk around the block! Your sweet neighbors would invite you over for dinner......and you would GO! But then the down side would come when you weren't on them and you wouldn't eat....your energy level was "0" and you would get SO sick. I can't even count the number of times we went to ER......I would go over every day and cook or clean or visit....and many days you couldn't lift a finger.....many times we just went to ER because we didn't know what else to do. Sometimes they admitted you.....sometimes they would send you home. One week we went to ER three times! On one of our visits, the admitting nurse said "now Mr. Beard, last time you were here, your blood pressure was very low, isn't that right?" - i mean they KNEW us in ER!! Then that last trip......we went to Er and they admitted you.....things were not right they needed to do all kinds of tests.....oh gosh, i remember the colonoscopy.....they had to do that prep thing......you were so weak and having trouble getting in and out of the bed - so i got you on the potty chair and wrapped all these blankets around you and just sat there with you......you looked like an Indian in a teepee! Then they had to give you blood. For some reason, that made you sick at your stomach.....and they had to give you two units. I remember just laying my head on your bed during the first unit - and you were just SO sick.....then she brings in the second unit.....you just didn't think you could make it. So i went and got your very favorite thing to do....the crossword.....i crawled up in bed with you and we worked on that crossword together for the entire length of time it took to get that unit of blood and you did GREAT! That is such a sweet memory for me daddy.....the two of us, up in that bed doing the crossword. After that trip to the hospital, you were too weak to go home. They insisted you go to a rehab place. In fact, we had to go to that rehab place twice......you hated it the first time and then the second time.....that's when i saw your spirit leave.....you lost your will to live at that point. That was such a hard thing for me because you were always bigger than life.....always my hero and i had never ever once in my life seen my daddy without a zest for life - one afternoon as i visited you, i could tell things were just not right. You wouldn't talk to me.....you were so weak. I called the nurse and she did your vitals and said they better move you to the hospital. That started our two weeks there at Presby....once you got in and they go you hydrated etc., you got just a bit better. I saw a little bit of your spirit return.......until that day when you started bleeding. I have never seen so much blood in my life and even the little nurse that kept telling me "it's going to be okay" was scared out of her mind....i could tell. They sent me out of the room and nurses started running in your room with towels and stuff.....they sent you to ICU. Every once in awhile Michael or Deana would stay with you and i would drive home to shower and change clothes....on this day, Becky Grisham called or i called her....i can't remember.....but i was crying so hard that she couldn't understand what i was saying. I remember thinking that i wanted to just keep on driving.....that i didn't want to stay at that hospital anymore - that i couldn't take seeing my daddy like this. Becky insisted that i wait for her at home....she was going back with me - and that she did. Many nights she and Charles came and stayed in the room with daddy so that Deana and i could go to the hotel room we rented upstairs and just sleep. Daddy, one day we were able to talk.....you and me, one on one. You told me you didn't want to do this anymore.....that you wanted to go home and see the Lord.....that you wanted to go see momma. You told me how much you loved me.....you told me how precious i was in your life. I told you that you were the best daddy in the entire world and that i loved you more than words.....more than one could measure......we held each other and we told each other goodbye. I am so thankful for that time.....as hard and painful as it was, i was so glad that i didn't have to make decisions....YOU made them. You told me not to let those doctors do one more thing to keep you here. You made up your mind.....you were ready. I can't remember how many days it was after that.....there were always lots of people in your room. I do remember one day the chaplin came by.....Deana and i were there and he prayed for you.....at this point you were not talking.....you were pretty much asleep all the time. The Chaplin quoted a scripture - the one that says we will get new bodies when we get to heaven - and you LAUGHED....you actually chuckled. All i could think of was you and a body that didn't hurt anymore......a body that could do all the things you loved to do. We gathered hands and sang too......you smiled as we sang. Becky and Charles came to stay one night.....what precious family they are - and you always said "they are family" - and they are. God's gift to us. Oh my gosh, they loved you so much. Anyway, Thursday night they came to stay for a while. When they got there, they told me i looked awful.....just awful. Becky kept saying " you go up and take a shower and get some rest.....you know i will call you if there's one bit of change" - i knew the end of your life was not far - i could just tell......i didn't want to leave. After 30 minutes of talking to me and begging me to just go shower if nothing else, i leaned down to kiss you and i whispered "daddy, i will be back in just a few minutes....i am going upstairs to shower" - i turned to leave and Becky Grisham said these words "Ten more breaths....don't leave" - i looked at her and said "WHAT?" and then i looked at you. You were having trouble breathing.....and as Becky's words predicted.....ten more breaths and you were stepping into glory. I held one hand and Becky held the other. Michael was there....Deana was there.....Deb was there....Becky and Charles .....Becky shouted "Praise the Lord Almighty, he's HOME!". One of the nurse grabbed me started praying the sweetest prayer. She wouldn't let go of me......i wanted to grab Michael.....i wanted to grab Becky....but she held me tight and prayed and prayed and prayed. As i remember this.....i know for a fact that God carried me through these days. There is no way on this earth that i could have made it through all this.....NO WAY. God you are mighty to save and mighty to guide us and carry us when we need to be carried. How MANY steps you carried me Lord. Daddy, you were such a gift to me. I so often thank the Lord for the gift of you and momma. I realize my life could have been so different.......but God took my life and hand delivered me to you and momma. You and momma woke up that morning of March 18, 1952 never in a million years knowing you would have a baby girl that afternoon......Momma always told me she would never forget the picture of that lawyer, dressed in a brown suit, coming down the steps of Baylor Hospital holding me in a yellow blanket. That day was the sweetest day of my life.....because had it not been for that day, i would not be who i am today. I am because you two loved me beyond measure......you taught me how to love, how to love Christ.....how to be caring, loving, kind, generous, strong - you taught me to follow the Lord and His teaching.....you made me ME. I think often of all the little sweet reminders God sends to me reminding me of the gift He gave me in you. I remember one time we were going to one of your doctor's appointments - it was late in your lives.....momma in her 90's.....you in your 80's - and we were on an elevator.....as usual i had your hands....mom's in one hand, yours in the other....and this person - i can't even remember if it was a male or female - got on the elevator with us. We rode in silence up the floors and that person got off before we did....and they turned around as they left the elevator and said these words "You are a family aren't you?" - now you tell me how strange is that? HOW STRANGE is that? well, to me it wasn't strange....that was an angel.....an angel saying "cindy.....don't forget how blessed you are" - and you what daddy? I have never taken for granted how deeply blessed i have been my entire life because of you and momma. I often joke and tell people i loved with Ward and June Cleavor.....mom didn't wear the pearls - but everything else is pretty much right on. I know i gave you guys fits in my teenage years.....for that i am SO sorry. But i hope in my lifetime, you never....not one time, felt anything but this overwhelming love that i have for both of you. I have no regrets......i know you and momma left this world knowing that you were loved more than life. You always were my hero daddy.....and you always will be. One day i will see you and momma again and i will feel those great big arms around me and i will see that grin as big as Texas......until then, know that i love you both so very much. You are my heart.....you are the best part of me. Thank you for loving me the way you do. Thank you for my life.....

family

I love my family.....what a blessing - what a gift from the Lord. Crazy, mixed up family that brings smiles to my heart and my life. I thank God for each one of you. What an awesome gift of life!