Not sure i can convey the words right now....so much has gone on since March 18, 2015.  Yes, that's my birthday.  Not a happy birthday though.

 "Dad, what is that knot on your neck?" Chase asked one day when they were at lunch.  Even then he didn't mention to me his concern until the day before his doctor appointment.  "When did you notice this Michael?"  "Oh, sometime around the first of the year.  I thought i was just a bump and would go away, but when Chase noticed it, I thought i better go get it seen about".

And so the storm begins.  Off to see that horrible awful horrendous Dr. Fitzharris - The one that doesn't check for squat and give you what ever drugs you want.  Had he been the doctor he SHOULD have been, we wouldn't have had this huge storm.  He sees Michael and sends him for a cat scan....it's inconclusive - so they do a need biopsy.  On my birthday we are sitting here, planning what to do for the day - you see it's up to me because it's MY day.  The phone rings....the news is heard.  It's cancer.  Those words are so frightening.....so horrible.  It's hard to hear anything after that - but you grab on to ANY positive you can.  Doc F says it papillary thyroid cancer - a very treatable cancer.  We hang up the phone and we just stare at one another.  We both search for words, but they just aren't there.  We pray.  I get on the phone and call Kim - she tells me if you have to have cancer, this is the best cancer to have.  It's totally curable.....not to worry.  She comes over and checks his neck - "i think it's a goiter.....just a big ole goiter".  The clouds are gathering....the storm is starting.  Little did we know just how big this storm would be!

We go to the ENT we have trusted with Michael's nose surgery - he does some testing....yes, you will have to have surgery.  He explains the pros and the cons and the risks - it's all pretty scary but he's SO positive....we feel so comfortable in his hands.  Friends and relatives are praying - the surgery date is set.  We are good to go.  I am shaken to the core.....Michael is not in the best health - Oh God, please help my Michael be okay!  We ready ourselves for surgery.  We are getting physically and emotionally ready.  I can tell the kids are quite apprehensive too but this family is ready for the onslaught!  Surgery is scheduled for Monday - and then another bomb drops.  On Friday, Dr. B calls and tells us he just has seen the scan of Michael's neck....the cancer has invaded the windpipe and this surgery it totally over his head.  There will need to be a resection of the windpipe after part is cut out and that is a very delicate surgery.  We are both dumbfounded.  And somewhere in all this testing, we also find out there are spots of this pesky cancer on Michael's lungs.  I think that news was the ONLY time during this entire storm that i saw Michael get down.  That day was awful.....his spirit was zapped.  Mine too.  But i will say, of ALL the days we had - from the diagnosis to this day....2 weeks AFTER his surgery....my Michael never ONCE complained....never ONCE lost his faith....in fact, his sense of humor stayed all the days.....he was cracking jokes.  EVEN on the day we found out he would have to have a feeding tube in his stomach.....his faith was strong....he didn't complain.....he even cracked jokes.  The day the doctor called about the spots on the lungs.....that was his only down day.

Dr. B recommends a Dr. Oxford.  Our precious daughter Angie - well, she just took over when we got the c word diagnosis.  We were knocked off our feet - but SHE took the reigns and made appointments, went to every single one with us - set up emails and charts on our computer.....she did it all.  I really don't know what i would have done without her.  She is truly our angel.....and oh she loves us so.  SO, this Doctor Oxford.....it was easy to see as we sat through the visit that we were going to be a number.....that's all Michael was to him.  As we left his office that day, Angie and i looked at each other and both shook our heads.....i had asked God for writing on the wall as to the right doctor.....for sure i didn't see it that day!  Angie was on the phone calling Haydens ENT to see if he could rec someone.....Dr. Truelson at UT Southwestern.  Angie called immediately and got us an appointment right away.  The three of us enter that office and boy, what a difference!  The asst comes in and introduces herself.  I am looking around the office for writing on the wall.....literally.  No joke. I am looking searching high and low for a sign.  God help us.  This is so scary.  Please give us a sign. So many are praying.....and then this little girl says "Papa, i hate to have to do this to you....." - Angie leans toward me - both of us tearing up at her calling him Papa - and she says "mimi, i think maybe that's the writing on the wall!".  She has him sniff this stuff that numbs him.....then she sticks this long rubber hose down his nose - it has a camera on the end.  She tells him not to cough.  Angie and i duck our heads.  Papa did so good.  She's recording all she's seeing.  Then comes Dr. Truelson.  He walks in with kind eyes....kind of looks like Father Knows Best - i'll be he's an awesome daddy.....he introduces himself and begins to examine Michael....looking at the video Kay has taken of his throat. You can tell he's very concerned.  He just keeps looking.....feeling of it.......and then he has to do another rubber hose down Michael's nose.  This time he goes further - Michael gags and so do we.  Dr. T goes over and over the footage.....he explains every single thing to us.....showing us the different parts of the vocal box, chords....he goes into GREAT detail and uses a model to help us understand.  He says it's going to be very delicate surgery.  He is not sure until he gets in there if he can save his voice - the tumor is very very close to all that stuff - my words, not his.  He does find some positives and i cling to them like they are life.  The esophagus is not involved at all.  One vocal chord looks like it can be saved.  But he's not sure about the rest.  He explains the worst....after surgery Michael could have a trachestomy - he could lose his voice, he could lose his ability to swallow.....and then he tells us sometimes if the blood flow isn't right, the entire surgery can fall apart.  This news hits us like a ton of bricks, yet i never saw Michael waver.  Not once.  He's still even cracking jokes.  We leave that appointment and it leads to others.  An oncologist radiologist....a oncologist endocrinologist - who by the way, we fell in love with.  Angie's friend told her don't expect to find an endocrine doctor that you like....that they only deal in numbers and are boring and bland.  In walks Dr. Tesnow.....he blows that theory right out of the water!  Well into the appt i lean over and tell Angie i think her friend's theory has been blown - she agrees but doesn't want to say anything to him because he might be offended.  He's concerned about a lymph node....and what does he do?  He does a biopsy right there in the office.  He calls for "path to come down" - and here come two young people with microscope in hand.....he biopsys it and they test it RIGHT THERE.  Clinging on to good news.....and this is.  The biopsy's are clear!  I think we may have been in that appointment for over 2 hours.  EVERY single person in that office is SO kind.  Close to the end of our visit, i say "Dr. Tesnow, i just have to tell you how very impressed i am with your office, with your staff, with YOU.  I would highly recommend you to ANYone.  You have been so very kind and thorough" - he smiles and thanks me.  Then Angie tells him the theory of her friend.  He laughs and says "no bedside manor, right?" i tell him i want to have him over for dinner and Angie says "i have to tell you i am having a really hard time not coming over there and giving you a hug!" - oh my.....what a precious doctor....and we feel VERY comfortable putting Papa's recovery and cure in this man's hands.  We have more testings, pet scans, biospy's - poor Papa is prodded and picked on and seriously, we have never had so many appointments.  One day we had 2 LONG appointments.  They lasted all day.  We also have to meet with a thoracic surgeon because they may have to open up Michael's chest during surgery if the cancer has gone down to far in the windpipe.....he's the one that would do that.  Looking back, the ONLY way we could get through all this is one, Angie.  She did everything.  Made every appointment, every phone call, went to every appointment and took notes.  Two - friends and family praying like crazy.....God carried us through all this scary darkness with so many unknowns.

We have about 2 weeks until the surgery.  Michael and i cram everything we can into our days.  Friends sitting on patio's listening to music - glasses of wine - fun Saturday lunches and rooftop experiences.....we stay busy.  One - to keep our minds off the upcoming surgery and two, to just spend all the time we can together with friends, with family....enjoying what we take for granted every single day of the year.

Can i just say - we have SO many people praying for Michael.  Oh my goodness, churches are praying that we don't even know the people there.....people i haven't talked to in YEARS are reaching out on Facebook and praying with me, giving me scriptures, encouragement.....some days i would have this overwhelming feeling of nausea.....just want to vomit.....and then all of a sudden, this PEACE.....this "it's going to be okay - don't fear....i am with you" came over me.  I KNOW that was the answer to SO many prayers.  This is huge....this surgery is devastating.  This is SO scary.

The night before the surgery, i pray all night....i know Michael did too.  We get up at the break of dawn....well, it wasn't even dawn.  It was dark.  We are suppose to be there at 10 for a noon surgery.  But then the surgery is pushed back and back and back.....oh my goodness, we have so many friends there....and family.  We have so many people that we can't stay in the waiting room upstairs.....we take over the entire lobby of the hospital!  People took off WORK to be with us.  And they all stay till the very end.....til SO late at night.  All i can say is how blessed we are with precious friends that love us so much.  Oh and i completely forgot to mention.....an entire group of our friends got together EVERY Thursday night from when he was diagnosed - they met at the Hawkins house and prayed....Tom, who never cries....wept as he prayed.  Tears were poured out for Michael.....SO many prayers.  Oh and then we get FROG.....FROG comes in the mail from Joan and Ray Daniels - it's a stuffed frog and we thought strange at first....but then we read the note with FROG.....Fully Rely On God.....that's what it stands for.  And the note tells us that FROG came to their home when Ray had his prostate surgery.....and before that, he has been with about 10 other families as they fought rough times....mostly cancer.  Every person's name was listed and the type of trial they went through.  After Michael has been healed, we are to send FROG to someone else fighting the good fight.  I mean how COOL is that?

The surgery started late.....but they were good to call every hour and 1/2.  I grab my bracelets (3 of them - one from Michael, one from Angie's friend Chris and one from Angie and Chase) and i pray.....i pray and i pray.  I am sick at my stomach.....i am scared.  I lay him at God's feet and then i go and take him right back.  Doc T tells us the surgery will probably last about 5 hours....5 hours comes and goes....6 hours comes and goes.....my stomach is doing flips....i want to throw up.  People are pacing with me giving me encouragement, but i know they too are getting antsy.  The surgery nurse hasn't called in over 2 1/2 hours.  She promised every 1 1/2.  It's 8 at night....Angie goes up to the second floor and goes through the "staff only" door and tells them we need to hear something.....it's been too long.  FINALLY she comes and says let's go upstairs.  Dr. T is on his way out to talk to us.  I am sick inside.....does Michael have a voice?  Can he breathe on his own?  Did it take so long because there were problems???  We all sit and wait.  Here comes Doc T - boy is he wiped out.  You can see how tired he is on his face, his hair all messed up.....but a big smile on his face.  Everything went great he tells us.  He can breathe on his own.....he got clear margins.....on it all.  He didn't take the lymph nodes because they were fine.  He should be able to talk and to eat and to breathe just fine.  Oh my gosh.....the relief.  Oh my gosh, how thankful we are.  We are all smiles as we go back down to tell everyone the good news.  Everyone is elated....SO relieved.  It's nearly 10.....they all head home except for Becky and Suzanne.....we sit up and play cards all night.  We get to see Michael for just a minute.  Shawn and i go in first.  Only two at a time.  Everyone prepared me for the worst....saying how horrible he was going to look....but hey....he looked awesome.  He didn't look bad at ALL.  And as we leave, Shawn says "papa, we love you" and Michael gives us a thumbs up.  How precious is that?  Chase and Angie go and see him....they are overwhelmed too at how good he looks.  All night long, we play cards (well, we slept maybe a couple of hours - from 2-4) but then more cards.

11 days and nights we spent in the hospital.  I can tell you this.....we had some DARK HORRIBLE nights.....there were days and nights - not that he complained because he never did - but i could see his spirit waining.....i could see his frustration - his fear that he would never get better - he was so weak.....i had to do everything for him - and i mean everything.  That was hard for him at first....but truly it just brought us closer together.  At one point i was holding all the wires and tubes while he held the urinal - standing so close he whispers to me "we are making new memories" =)  And another time he told me....and it came from the bottom of his heart i know - he said "i don't know what i did to deserve you" - melted my heart.  Now there were other times of eye rolling and being totally hacked off at me - i don't know how many times i told him to keep his head ducked down.  He had a stitch from his chin to his chest to hold his head from going back - but he couldn't feel it.  Many times it bled. So i was always telling him "head down" - that and i was always on him to go and walk the halls......a few times he did get a little frustrated with my encouragement!

We had the sweetest nurses.....some we wanted to bring home with us.  They took such good care of us and relieved our fears when we first arrived.  He had so many drains and tubes and wires and meds and it was awful!  His voice was just a whisper....and to this day, it still is.  We are praying that his voice and his swallowing will come back.  Right now he has a feeding tube....and i hate it.  I am glad it's there so that he can have nutrition, but i HATE that he can't eat.  It's made me realize how much our lives revolve around food.  My passion, or one of them is cooking - and since we have been home, i don't cook.  I don't eat really either.  It's so hard to eat in front of him.  I find myself slapping meat on bread and hiding in a back room eating just to keep up my strength.  He's lost 18 pounds, i have lost 20.....and that's not a bad thing.  I am praying so hard thought that God will grant us the desire of our hearts and bring back Michael's voice and his swallowing ability.  SO much of our social life revolves around food.  Even with family.  Mother's day is this weekend, and what do you do?  You go out to eat or you fix a huge meal and enjoy family....breaking bread together.....what do you do with friends?  After church?  On Friday nights?  You share a meal.  I realize now what a HUGE part of our lives revolves around food.  I am wondering if that's what God is teaching us now.....maybe that's wrong.  But in the past i am thinking early in the day about what i want to fix for dinner.....food is my love language.  It's how i love on others.  Are you sick?  Let me bring you dinner, a key lime pie.....it's the way i love on people.  It's the way i love on my family.  Enjoying a glass of wine in the evening.....tasting the food at Costco - it's everywhere.  I pray so hard that's not taken away from us.  It's the desire of our hearts and we lay it at Your feet Lord Jesus.  We praise You no matter what.  We love you for this storm because it brought us closer to YOU Lord....closer to our family and friends....closer to one another.  Oh and sweet Shawn.....how his heart has become so tender with all of this.  He was so precious to take care of us in the hospital.  I pray HIS heart and Vicki and Gary and others see YOU in our struggles.....see YOU Lord as we make our way to the other side of this storm.  We praise You in sunshine and in rain.....Your love is everlasting....never changing....and i have not ONE doubt that You walked that storm with us.  There were times You carried us - when we couldn't put one foot in front of the other.....YOU carried us Lord.  Thank you for my Michael Lord....for our family, for our friends....for the sweet gifts of relationships.  I pray to you Lord Jesus that Your healing hands will touch Michael's throat, his vocal chords, his ability to swallow.....i pray all will return.  It's the desire of our hearts and we lay it at your feet.  You alone are worthy of all praise Lord.....and we DO praise You.  Thank You for the wonderful outcome of this surgery....that the cancer was removed.....that Michael is healing.  Thank you Lord Jesus.  We love You and pray that YOUR Holy Spirit fills us up and spills over into those we meet.  Thank You Lord.....Thank You SO very much.